Weight Gain

My body image is totally shot right now. Up until two weeks ago, I felt I looked 80 years old with zero muscle tone. 

My muscles atrophied while I was laying in bed depressed. My muscles actually turned to jello while they were unused for well over nine months. The tone I used to have from my old job of hauling heavy furniture too and fro for events disappeared as I sat here physically doing nothing. I chose not to do any workout at all once I left that job. 

I woke up one day and looked in the mirror and not only have I put on 30 extra pounds, but I have also lost all tone to my body. My arms are loose and flabby and my legs look empty and bad. Forget that all 30 of the pounds I have put on sit in my stomach, this just all feels bad.  I don't want to see it. I don't want to touch it when I bathe. And I certainly don't want to bear it in summer clothes.  Problem is summer is here and I can't hide in yoga pants and loose sweaters for much longer.  

Last month as the clouds lifted in my head, I began going through the motions of squats and lunges. Then I started recreating the postures and steps to do bicep curls with no weight. Then I added triceps with my chair. I love doing shoulders and could use actual weights to do my reps.  For my back I have been visualizing the motion to the machine workouts I would do in the gym, such as wide lat pull downs. No weight, just imagination and concentration on form. 

No miracles have happened yet, but each day I pick one leg work out and one upper body workout and take my 20 minutes to crank it out. Now, my belly is still here as that is all diet, but I am feeling so much better about my arms and legs. I am also feeling better. Now none of this could be done when I am depressed. I couldn't get out of bed. I feel like I need to put the muscle back on, so I have something to atrophy again next time. Maybe the next depression will be shorter and I won't lose so much. I am always future tripping like I can control tomorrow. 

Small steps. Nothing fancy. No gym membership and new leggings. Just going through the motions and taking tiny steps daily to make me feel better.