Vacation

So far I have survived the vacation. Truly just barely. The trip started with my check engine light coming on less than 15 miles from the house. We had to turn around and come back home. We went to our local rental car agency and tried to get a truck so we could store everything in the back, but we ended up with a mini van. The mini van turned out to be the perfect vehicle. Everything was unloaded out of my car and loaded into the van. It all fit perfect, so off we went. I obsessed about my car for over an hour and then had to take a pill for my anxiety. What if we killed my car? What if she wouldn't start when we got back? What if I had to come up with $3k to get her  fixed. She is all I have and my time with my kids and my employment rides on me having a vehicle.

My boyfriend did pretty good at not tailgating and watching his speed. He knows I have ginormous control issues with being a passenger, but I wasn't sure I wanted to drive the whole trip.

 I only grabbed the car door a dozen or so times. 

We made it to the camp ground and got set up super fast. We have done this enough to have it down pat. We were making dinner shortly after getting there. Then anxiety number 2 hit me. The water surrounding the campsite is super high and fast this year due to our snow pack. My boyfriend and his kids were right at the edge looking at the rushing water. They even through some sticks in and watched how fast the floated away. I fucking could not breathe knowing the ground near the edge was saturated with water and could give way at any moment. I rushed them away from the edge, but saw kids playing near it unattended and just couldn't stop the rush of mental images of someone sliding in. The water was moving so fast that anyone would be swept away before you could save them. I couldn't take another pill so I had a drink. Then I had a second. Then it was time for bed. 

The day had been good, but extremely stressful for me. 

The next day we headed to the hot springs for the day. This was my day to relax. It was heaven. I sat in the warmth of the sun and spent a lot of time in the water. To finish the day we went back in the evening for one final soak before bed. We got our monies worth  out of the day pass.

Before heading home, we made a side trip. I hated the side trip. It is up the side of a mountain, with no guard rail and just barely wide enough with some of the large vehicles and the ones pulling trailers. My side had the steep drop off. Several miles of the awful drop off. I physically move myself as close to the center of the car as humanly possible and close my eyes and I pray. I prayed a lot of this trip. I had ugly thoughts of wanting to find my boyfriends weakness and exploit it so he could be as scared as I was. 

Our drive home was near the water, and again, the anxiety pill not kicking in all I could imagine was our car plunging into the water and us not having the tool that shatters the window so we could swim out to reach the surface. Not that it would really matter as we had no life jackets on and wouldn't be able to catch a breath with the white caps thrashing us around. This is my life and the part of my life that I don't like to talk about due to how bat shit crazy it sounds. But this is my life. 

My anxiety is way worse when I am away from my comfort zone at home. It just builds on itself a hundred fold.

We are home and I am still reliving much of my anxiety. I don't know how many days it takes for the fear to subside, but it still very much in the fore front of my consciousness. I just endlessly replay it. 

Mental Melissa