I did see my therapist. She was very sad for me and I greatly appreciated it. What I am dealing with is sad, depressing and painful. Family can be your greatest source of support and/or your greatest source of punishment.
In the end, my therapist asked me to visualize everyone involved and surround them with a calm, peaceful light. I chose white light for each of them. I have started practicing to get the love started. This is not as easy as it sounds. I have a lot of emotions tied to these people I love. Emotions that I process and put aside, over and over again.
So my boyfriend and I fly out tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn. I am already out of sorts by all of this schedule upheaval. I also work tonight at the grocery store. Thankfully, only until 10 pm. Once in CA, we have the whole day to play and run around and enjoy the mild weather. I am so glad my boyfriend is going because he will help me relax and not freak out to much. He has a nice day planned for us and I am grateful he took the time to make it special.
Thursday we get to see my son. I cannot wait. It has been ages since I got to hug that boy. My ex husband will be there for this family day and I am seeing him surrounded by a big white light. I am hoping he plays nice and does not lead our children to pick who they get to hang out with. I am hoping we can all spend the afternoon playing nice, for me and for our son.
As for the rest of the crew, well I will see them in white light as well. I am hoping they can muster the grace to know this day is not about them. I am hoping. All I can do is put it out to the universe and see what happens.
The next day is graduation and the initial unpleasantries will be over. Things should be tolerable by Friday. It isn't a long graduation and then final hugs. My boyfriend and I will head back to the airport and fly home. My stressful whirlwind will be over, for now.
My therapist gave me propantenol to calm my nerves and manage my anxiety. I didn't think it would be enough and was prepared to ask for the big guns, but it seems to be working to keep my anxiety to a manageable roar.
I am so glad I went to see her and shared what is going on. I am not a good sharer. I become horribly embarrassed by my lack of control and being overly emotional. Anxiety is very embarrassing because it comes out of no where. It doesn't even have to have a reason to rear it's ugly head. For me, last week, I did know specifically why mine had been triggered, but it was still hard to explain. It was hard to speak. Anxiety and fear are so personal. To have to expose yourself to anyone is truly difficult, but I am glad I did. My therapist was able to help me see that I was having a "normal" reaction to some extreme emotions and situation. It is so empowering to have someone tell you they would be anxious if they were in your shoes.
Say a prayer that the next few days go well for all involved. Thank you!