September 25th, 2019

A decade of having the message, "let go and let God" drumming in my ear. With Bipolar that is easier said than done. I can let it go and my racing thoughts can hold me hostage in that thought loop. I focus on trying to let things go as they arise, daily. Some weeks I let the same damn thought go seven times. I always wake up and try to let it go again.

I am dealing with some issues I will talk about in days to come as I process them. The theme is letting go. I have spent the past decade learning what it meant to let it go. That process has taken me most of those years. I have wanted to explain and document and address and correct and discuss things to make certain everyone in the know was up to speed on where things stood. I wanted to be right. I wanted others to know I was right. In a lot of the cases I was right, but in the past couple of years I have found peace that can only be brought about by letting things go. 

My need to be right was a hard one to let go of. Now I want my peace more than trying to show myself how smart I am. I didn't feel worthy of being right or standing up for myself. When I stopped trying, I found peace to not argue (as much). I have spent so much time fighting and documenting and winning that I couldn't be at peace, even when I won. There was no joy in winning because it all cost me my peace. 

To me, letting go means reclaiming my peace. It means focusing on this moment and guarding the moment. I have let people go because even well meaning as they were, they cost me my peace. Specifically with my bipolar, I was not sick enough for them to believe that I was indeed bipolar. I am so grateful that I can pass for normal in most arenas. I am so grateful that for the most part my illness comes and goes quietly if you aren't looking close enough. Like many of you, I have learned to hide my depression. 

To me, letting go means letting other people live their lives, even when it means I am on my knees praying feverishly for their safety. It means stepping back and also being right there with no judgement, just love. 

I am learning that you can't change anyone. Even when the change is obviously for their best. Like taking medications. If that person doesn't want to, there is no reasoning with them. They have made up their mind and the continued pushing of information doesn't change their mind, it just stops the conversations all together. I have learned when you push, people close the door on you and let you go. I don't want to be pushed out of the people's lives that I love so dearly, so I am practicing letting my issues with them go. 

I don't want to push them out of my life, but sometimes it is in my best interest to do so for me to maintain  my peace. It is rarely best to watch some destroy themselves. It would require more peace than I have to keep my mouth shut!  

So letting go will be in my thoughts over the next few blog post. I would love to hear what your thoughts are regarding letting go and letting God (or your higher power). What have you had to sit by and watch happen knowing you were powerless to make change? What is the best tool you have found for practicing letting go?

Thanks,
Mental Melissa