I still can't shake these sad feelings.
My meds have been in my system for a full week. I know this is too soon, but one can hope. I am so aware of my mental state right now. It is like I am standing outside myself looking in. I can see how spent I feel after waking up and getting my daughter to school. I walk into the house and crash back into my bed. An hour or so later, I wake up and if I slept, I feel so much better. I have been jumping in the tub quickly, before my mind comes up with reasons not to get clean.
On a good day, I have a burst of energy after getting clean. I have two running list. The first is for work. My boyfriend adds to it and helps me not forget tasks that have to happen. The second list is my personal to-do list. I have been trying to pick one thing off each list to accomplish.
Yesterday I had a good day and got four things off my work list. Then I got majorly distracted and planned a vacation to Rome, Italy. It has been a trip I have wanted to take for two decades and yesterday it seemed like a high priority action item. There was no coming back from this mental train wreck. I thought about the trip and talked about the trip for the rest of the evening. I went to bed imagining how wonderful it would be.
Way too much stimulation of the brain meant I had a hard time shutting down my brain.
My boyfriend is taking his son to a big car show this coming weekend. Oddly enough I saw on social media that my former neighbor took his son to the same show earlier this week. I reached out to see if there were any "don't miss" items at the show. Just that little conversation was enough to set my mind mentally looking at housing options for when we are ready to buy a house. We specifically need a five bedroom/3 bath home with a garage for storage. The first house that came to mind was my first house with my ex-husband. The neighbor I had messaged earlier still lives across the street from my old house. My mind was pinging back and forth. But this house would be perfect. The bed/bath count is perfect and it is such a great layout. When I say I mentally looked at the houses, I mean I laid out the existing furniture in each room. I needed to see where to assign which child. The next house that I mentally shopped was one my boyfriends company did work in. I love the neighborhood. This house has four beds and one room without a window, so it can't be used as a bedroom as there would be no second option escape if there was a fire.
Can you hear the high pitch squeal of my brain. I once again laid out everyone's stuff into their rooms and it was so damn close. Finally my mind eased into the thought that another house in the area might be an exact fit, I just need to do some detective work.
Now we are no where near ready to buy a house. In fact, we are probable a couple years away from even looking at houses.
The third house I mentally looked at was another house we did work at. All it lacks is a fifth bedroom, but it has space to build out the final bedroom and it has a window available. We would also have to build a bathroom, but that is totally doable. I was very pleased with myself.
I am not sure when I fell asleep, but it was late. Waking up is always hard to do when I lose hours to racing thoughts.
I had a really good nap this morning and woke up feeling really good. I got up, got clean and formulated my plan for the day. I had to go get a check to mail off. I addressed the envelope, located the damn stamps and headed to the bank. Before going in I decided to verify I had my drivers license to gain access to the account. Turns out I did not. I had given it to my boyfriend to hold onto at some point this weekend. Damn, I was totally deflated as I wouldn't be able to get the check. My plan had been, get check, get haircut and then drive to post office to mail off check. I had planned to be super productive. When that didn't work out, I wanted to just call it a day, but I pushed through and went and got my hair cut.
Turns out I hadn't been in to get my hair (or bangs) cut in six months. No wonder my hair looked so ragged. My bangs were down to my cheeks. I am glad I went in and got seen. After that, I head home with the knowledge that I will have to find the gumption to get up and go to the bank tomorrow. That kinda freaks me out as I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow.
I remembered to eat, but in the end that did not keep the fog from rolling in. I could feel it settling in on me and zapping my attention. Again, outside looking in, I knew it was happening and I know it will last the rest of the damn evening. I don't bounce back from the lows very quick. So here I sit trying to find some energy and interest. Sometimes writing is just enough mental stimulation to jump start my mind.
My fingers are crossed that I can recover from this sad afternoon.