October 17th, 2019

I have moments of lightness in my heart. Moments when I have forgiven all of the pain and neglect. Those moments feel so good. Then my anxiety dredges the painful memories back up and I hurt. I feel the weight of the pain and Ihave to start the work again to feel and release. Today my mind is racing with old thoughts and old hurts. I am trying to sit with each pain to quiet it down. I see my therapist today and I hope she can help.

All of this pain and work is due to the message I received from someone who use to be in my life and chose to leave me. That hits on so many painful memories of neglect from my childhood. Sometimes I have to trace the pain back to the first times that I felt it to understand why I get so triggered when similar pain happens today. It is not this person's fault that people I loved and trusted when I was young failed me and left me. I can say this outloud and yet they pain is crushing.

How do I tell this person that the anger they have towards me is not really about me, but misplaced anger at their own parent. I am just an easy target. I know I don't tell them anything. It is not my place and they wouldn't hear me anyway. They are smart and will figure it out in their own time. Healing just takes time.

Next week I fly out to see my son graduate!  I am so excited and proud. I have missed him so damn much.  I am working my ass of to process my feelings so that I can focus on my son and his achievement and not my fear and worry and anxiety over this other person. This mystery person who I have been stressing over might be there. Probably will be there, so I have a weeks time left of this endless stressing and racing thoughts. One more fucking week. Then I put it all back, neatly in it's little box for a while longer. My hope is that each time I pull the box out to peer into it that I will have a little more distance from the pain. I hope that each time I reach in to pick up the hurt that I will have a softer heart and more understanding. 

I want to be able to sit with my old hurts and see them with fresh eyes, with eyes of love. I hope to be able to heal and not hurt when I visit the past.