October 01st, 2019

More of my Let It Go theme!

"Don't judge people for the choices they make when you don't know the options they had to choose from." This quote damn near split me in two. Every thing seems so black and white to people who are living an easy life with blinders on. For people taking a peak into someone else's life. For those of us down in the trenches and those below us, there is so much grey. 

Sometimes there is very little time to weigh the options presented and a decision has to be made in a split second. Some of those decisions we come to regret. Some of those decisions we grow into slowly over time. Sometimes years pass before we see if we made the right or wrong decision. 

I have made good and bad decisions. My bipolar has gotten the best of me a handfull of times and caused me to fuck up shit royally. Looking back, with eyes guided by therapy, I have forgiven myself for those mistake too. Those are the hard ones, the ones that I can't make sense with who I am and how I live. There aren't a lot of those mistakes, but the few have been life changing. 

Living with bipolar means that I am not always in a mental position to make decisions or most importanly I shouldn't be making decisions because when I am manic there is no black and white, just colors and paths that all seem like good adventures. 

I wish there was a way to play back memories so you could show them to other people so they could see what you saw, what you felt and what you heard. Walk a mile in my shoes seems tame to crawl in my head for a day. Okay maybe I don't wish to share my memories as they would break the heart of those concerned and judging me. It would be hard for them to relive the memories with me, surrounded by all of my emotions swirling around them. It would be hard to see the people they love behaving so badly. 

This is why it is so difficult to have bipolar. My mind is often in a non stop feedback loop. Letting go is especially difficult when your brain won't let you press stop, and then let go. My mind can go from feedback loop to racing thoughts in the blink of an eye. Then I am headed to shitville, where  my thoughts won't stop and I start making decisions based on flawed, dangerous logic. 

"Don't judge people for the choices they make when you don't know the options they had to choose from." Weighing awful choice versus equally awful choice is a bad place to be. A lot of my life has made me stand at the fucked up fork in the road trying to figure out which is the best path to choose. I will end this post with the quote, "Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one." by Grandmother Willow, Pocahontas.