October 01st, 2019

Yesterday was heavy for me.  Someone I dearly sent me a message last week judging me for my actions in the past. They heard one side of the story and never asked for mine, just accepted the one side. I kinda knew that was why contact was withdrawn, but always wondered what the specifics were.  Boy did I get a scathing detail of my transgressions.

During the time they were not in my life, I have missed them greatly. My heart has broken a million time from this loss. But I did finally make peace with it, that is until I received the message.

I mentally comprised a huge document stating my side to all of the half truths the other person had told them.  I edited it mentally every night as I laid in bed. I edited it every morning while I sat in the quiet of my house drinking coffee. 

Finally I remembered this is not who I am. I have worked too hard on my life, to go back to justifying my actions to others. I have worked too hard to forgive the person who was directly a party to the situation. That has taken me 7 years. Seven years of fighting back and arguing and trying to make them change their ways. I have known 3 years of peace. Three years of not arguing and fighting, of not being drug into the drama. Three years of forgiveness to the person who hurt me as much as I hurt them. Three years of forgiveness to myself. 

Boundaries are hard for me to put into place, but my counter part in this mess gives me ample opportunity to practice, almost daily. I stay true to myself even if that causes more discord between us.

So to my heart breaker, I sent a simple message that I was sorry they still carried the weight of my decisions. I was sorry that they had to even be drawn into the fight. I reasurred them that I love them so very much and that I hope one day they can let it all go. 

I am back at peace with myself. It feels good to be balanced again. 

I am glad the weight of yesterday has been lifted from my shoulders.