November 20th, 2019

Do you ever feel like a burden to those you love?

I do. Right now I feel like a huge burden and with that feeling, a heavy weight settles on my chest. I don't like being dependant on anyone. I feel more at ease when I am taking care of myself, but right now I feel overwhelmed and fatiqued. I just can't find any motivation or desire. 

I listened to my podcast from last winter, when my depression had me in it's grips and it made me cry. Listening to my voice and my words was too much. I don't want to get that bad again. I don't want to get anywhere near  that again, ever. 

But I am heading there, slowly and painfully. 

I don't want to get out of bed and as soon as I can, I want to get back into bed. Sleep or not, I want to be wrapped up in my blankets and safe. I want to lay there in the quiet void. I do the things I must, such as take my daughter to school and pick her up. Then I want to lay back down until bedtime. But I have to get dinner ready, after that I am officially off. Except when my daughter or my boyfriend wants to be with me or speak to me. 

The farther I sink into this nothingness, the less I want to be around them. It is too much to pretend I am okay. 

I got clean today because I had to go get groceries. Tomorrow I will get clean because I have to go to work. 

I am already stressing the fact that I have to work the next 7 days straight, which means I have to get clean everyday and function like a normal, well grown up. So now the anxiety kicks in to just make things worse. I will go from laying in bed in the void to laying in bed with obsessive thoughts and worries.

I started the new med, Geodon and I know it will take a few weeks to settle into my system. I just don't believe I can make it through a few weeks like this.