I knew, I just knew. But even knowing in my gut couldn't prepare me for the text from my daughter that she works midday Monday and Tuesday, our first few camping days. I have to take her to her dad today Sunday so she can get ready for her first day. Meaning she misses tonight's Art Walk and dinner out. I am not even sure I will get to spend any of our vacation together, nor her birthday which I had scheduled to be the final day of vacation.
My heart is very heavy, which I know is very selfish. I don't care. That is where my head is at. My boyfriend asked if I still wanted to go with him and his kids. Normally if my kids flake out on plans or aren't here, I don't want to go see them be a family when mine isn't around. But for the first time I am going to go for me. I need a break. Sitting in the hot springs for two days sounds like heaven. My back hurts and my feet hurt from working the bagging job all last week. I am going to go so I don't sit at home crying and being sad.
My son will be staying home as he could get called in to the recruiting office at any time this week to work. I already knew he wouldn't be able to or want to do any of our plans. This is his final week of freedom for 13 weeks.
So, here I sit pissed, angry, disappointed, hurt and good and mad. The bipolar part of me really wants to be mean and cutting to my daughter and remind her I gave her the fucking dates and repeatedly told her to request them off. I want to be ugly and lash out. I can feel it down to my core. I want to tell her I am disappointed so she hurts like I do. I keep reminding myself that I am better than that. I am in control of what I say and do. Doesn't mean it isn't there.
My mind is racing and obsessed already stressing next years vacation and how to plan it early enough so she can go and then have the entire summer to work.
And, I am trying to pack for camping. What a cluster fuck that always is. Fun once you get there, but a logistical nightmare.
I know that anger and agitation are both signs of depression and I refuse to go back there. I am loving my new job. 4 or 8 hours of non-stop movement and absolutely no thinking other than trying to sort the groceries into categories for bagging. It is a good escape.
My Angel Card this moring is Release and Surrender.
"We shower you with blessing of our radiant love. Open your arms, and release the challenges that you've held tightly gripped within your hands. Open your hands, arms, and heart to our love and assistance."
How spot on is that card for my life today? Does the card speak to your struggles as well?