Once I saw a meme on Instagram that said something about Depression that said, I am not tired, I just don't want to be awake.
That is how I feel.
Here the fucking new year has rolled around and I am once again in a depressed funk. I am truly so damn tired and could stay cocooned in my nice warm bed all day watching my thoughts and dreams and fears floating in and out of my thoughts. When I can't sleep, all I do is watch. It isn't so bad to lay there. It doesn't seem real, any of it. If a really horrible, scary thought drifts by, I just squinch my eyes super tight, tense up my body and will the images to disappear. Wrapped up in my bed I have a tiny bit of control.
If a really good thought drifts by, I can grab it and watch it over and over again. I can see that I might just be okay in the end. Then another awful thought floats in and settles down letting me watch my failure over and over and over.
There are days I cannot sleep and desperately need to. I can hear the tick tock of an imaginary clock counting off the seconds that I am laying in bed unable to find sleep.
These are difficult days when I can't sleep and have lain in bed watching my thoughts. It is overwhelming to have so many thoughts and worries. Thoughts that plague me are will I ever find my calling? It can't be as a writer as I have nothing new to offer. It can't be as a podcaster as my thought well has run dry. I am the voice of nothing. All I have it this blog/diary that I tend to neglect when I am curled up in bed.
Should I start taking classes at the community college towards getting a degree in general studies? Will I decide then to keep going to get a four year degree? Will I use this degree to do anything other than hold down a basic office job?
Will I be brilliant at anything or just keep paddling along trying to make ends meet?
Should I find a place to volunteer where I will feel wanted and needed? Would that fill this void and stop the desire to just not want to be awake?
A decade ago I was teetering on divorce. My life was filled with so much uncertainty and fear. My husband at the time was unemployed and I was trying to find a job in a small mountain town to help us out. I knew he would find work again and I just wanted to get us through. Another year later I was ending our marriage. I was so excited with all of the opportunity laid out ahead of me. I could do anything and anything seemed possible. The career option that excited me was becoming a yoga instructor. I had no idea that most instructors can't support themselves teaching yoga. I had no idea that I would end up getting heart burn while doing any inverted pose. Basically I just had no idea. But that was the last time I was certain on a path to jump on. Why didn't I jump on it? Time and commitment were required.
Is this why I am not jumping back into going to community college? Is the time it will take me to complete a degree looming too greatly ahead of me? I am afraid of committing to general studies versus getting a geology or history degree? Or am I just standing at the starting line afraid to take that first step?
Now a decade later I am not closer to finding my path to jump on. It all just feels so jumbled and pointless. I don't have a lot of time left to learn a new job. I don't feel like I have a lot of time left period.
We had dinner with some friends who are newly retired. They have the time and means to start a new life. They are going to create a traveling You-tube channel of their journeys. As I sat and listened to them my brain was finally firing on most cylinders. It was the first time in so long I felt alive. I was so excited for them and had several ideas to throw out to them. It felt good to be productive. Of course I was terribly jealous of their joy and excitement for their future.
The next day the sorrow seeped in for my loss.