I saw this and it spoke to my biggest hurts that I carry with me. I feel that I have made so many bad choices that have brought me to this place where I am. I feel like I have made so many bad choices that I shouldn't be allowed to make any big future decisions. I kick myself with the knowledge that if I had only stayed in my marriage I wouldn't have a torn apart my family and wouldn't have kids who are lost and struggling. I know that if I hadn't quit my job, that I wouldn't be struggling financially like I am. I know that if I hadn't gone 6 years without going to the dentist (I haven't had insurance since 2010) that I wouldn't have two cracked teeth and need two fucking crowns. I know that my kids suffer from having to live in two different households. I know I wouldn't worry about my future if I had just stayed married.
Having said all of that the rational side of me which is very teeny tiny knows my marriage was doomed for a long time. My ex was employed some years and unemployed many others. Staying with him brought no financial security, in fact it brought a great deal of anxiety worrying alone as he hated to discuss what plan b was. My kids are okay, but divorcing has given them a great deal of baggage and scars. Splitting up has changed them dramatically. They were mostly sheltered from our money problems but they now take the brunt of it, every fucking day. When he is unemployed I am a bitch for requiring child support. When he is employed I am a bitch for requiring child support. I can't win in that area. As for my teeth I have no cavities after many, many years of no dentist visits. These two cracked teeth are very worrisome and expensive. Did you know that Lithium drying out your mouth also dries out your teeth, causing broken teeth? I didn't either. It causes me such extreme anxiety that I could end up cavity free, yet with a mouthful of broken, crowned teeth.
I do wish I hadn't quit my job. That was pretty stupid of me, but I did it and that is that. Got to dust my ass off and find a new job.
I don't know how to do my life different. I don't think I have a choice in doing it differently. Now to figure out how to lay this shit down and stop beating myself up for the illusion that I could have done it all any other way.
I am not good at letting anything go. I worry something will replace it if I don't continue to carry it.