Day Two of Tears

Here is the second part of my story of anxiety and tears.

My son left for boot camp on Sunday morning. I cried off and on Friday. I cried off and on Saturday. Sunday morning I held it in as best I could so I didn't upset my son. He knew I would be a mess and was very kind about it. I had to go to work shortly after getting my last two hugs for 13 weeks. 

Now I sit and wait for that first letter letting me know he is doing okay. 

I came home to find my daughter cleaned up 60 percent of his nasty ass room. I am glad she didn't do it all because I just wanted to sit in there and be with him for a bit. Everyone is pushing change so fast and I am not ready. I don't have to be fucking ready. I don't want to move on yet. In fact I may never want to move on. Maybe I need things to stay the same so I don't lose my shit. I really hate being pushed to make change faster than I am ready. I don't feel respected by being pushed. 

I don't want to end up back in depression. I barely made it through the winter and we are so close to reaching winter again. I don't think the people in my life get it. Sometimes I don't think they want to understand.

My daughter turns 17 tomorrow. I am excited for her and scared now that I have seen how hard it is on me for my son to leave. She is wanting to get out and get life started right now. She feels ready to leave. She just got her first job and is carrying some of the reality of being a grown up. I am so proud of her. I also want her to just stop growing up, now.

I am just on that tail end, people tell you about where the time is going to go so fast. I sit here today and my son hasn't walked through to ask what is for dinner or to tell me he is going out with friends and doesn't know what time he will be home. Most days I would get a hug, even though he didn't want to. I am missing that hug from him today. I am missing vacations with him, dinners with him, movies with him, and the silent moments we shared when he would play video games and I would sit near him. I just miss him.

And I can see the end of this same race with my daughter. I will be an empty nester in 2 more years. When did they get this old?  When the hell did I get this old?

My advice, if you have children who are not teenagers, do everything you can with them now. Take those vacations before they start their first jobs. Make those cookies together at Christmas. Get the photos when they will still smile for you. Because it comes very quick and you won't be prepared even with 18 years to start with. 

Holy crap, my 18 years is gone. Now I have to wait until they are in their late 20's and starting a family for them to want to come home. I am going to try to look at that as I have a decade to cram in all of the stuff I want to do. I need to start now, because ten years goes by really fast.