It has been a bit since I sat down to write what has been going on. I have been up and down and very anxious. Taking on this part time job has been a huge stressor. I know I need the work and I need the money but it is just so much on an already taxed system.
I have spent a couple of days on the computer watching safety videos and taking endless test. I didn't pass them all the first go round, but had the opportunity to retake them. That was super nerve racking. There were test on chemical spills, what gloves to wear for what type of work, missing children and active shooter. It was a lot to take in.
I logged onto the schedule system and saw that my vacation dates had been ignored and I was scheduled to work next week. I got so sick to my stomach. WTF was I supposed to do. I don't like being the squeaky wheel and don't really want to be singled out. I worked myself into a tizzy and then decided to head in to speak to the HR Manager. I was greeted with irritation that this information had not been told to her prior by the outgoing Manager who I interviewed with and whom told me my vacation wouldn't be a problem since it had already been paid for. Then the HR Manager called up my Manager who I had yet to meet. So our first meeting was me asking for special priviledge on day 3. After everyone calmed down, it was decided that my vacation would be okay and we would all just move on.
Crisis averted, but I was still really upset that this was my first impression.
The HR Manager then wrote out my schedule for the week. I would start bagging the very next morning.
The next morning I got up and got ready and was ready early like I always am. I screwed around and then finally head out the door to just sit and wait in the parking lot so I wouldn't be late. When it got close to time to clock in, I went and stood by the time clock like everyone else. One of the ladies who had been in my training class was there and we chatted about her firsts day. She then said "okay, two minuted til 9:00 o'clock so we can finally clock in."
My face flushed and I couldn't swallow. I was supposed to start at 8:30 am not 9:00 am. OMFG I had totally screwed up. I had been on autopilot as I have started at 9 am for a very long time prior, years in fact. I clocked in and tried to decide what to do. My Manager wasn't there and had assigned me to someone to teach me for the morning. So, I followed my teacher and started my day. Every couple of minutes the fear and shame would ride over me. Each minute that passed my head told me that there was no fixing it now. I had opportunities to tell someone but I couldn't raise the courage to do so.
My shift ended and I went home. I cried and couldn't stop the racing thoughts telling me I was going to be fired. I rehearsed and rehearsed in my head what I would say and what I knew my Manager would say. I played this horrible game all damn day. I called my sister to tell her how badly I had fucked up. She told me it would be okay. My boyfriend told me it would be okay. Hearing that did not keep me from replaying this movie all night long and into the next day. I didn't have to be at work until 4:30 pm that day and was planning to tell them how I could be punished right up until I verbally and awkwardly spit up my confession to the HR Manager. She could tell how stressed I was and she giggled a bit. She said it would be fine and that this happens from time to time as schedules change throughout the week.
I looked at her like a deer in the headlights. What? I wouldn't be fired? No being written up? No being put on strict probation? She again said it would be fine and to focus and finish my video training and then head back down to the floor.
It took a while for my energy to wind down after a day and a half of extreme anxiety.
This job is super busy. There is only about 30 seconds between one customer and the next. You stand hunched over bagging as fast as you can for most of your shift. There is also running to grab carts when you run out. No time to think, just bag. I like that I don't have to think and won't bring work stress home every night. It will be a good job and I am really glad I didn't get fired.
The reason I took on that this job is this month I lose half of my child support as my son is joining the military! I am simultaneously excited for him and nervous for him. I am mourning how quickly 18 and a half years has flown by. I thought there would be more time. The high school years went by so fast. There was so much happening each and every year. Some years I was just happy to survive with him. Some years I was thrilled to see him thrive. Now all I will have is glimpses here and there and way to short visits (hopefully). Seeing him every day is now over. One week from now he is gone for what is going to feel like is forever.
I feel like my world is spinning and I am completely off kilter about to fall on my ass.
Now it seems I may lose all of my child support as my daughter wants a part time job. Problem is most of the time the schedule is made a few days in advance and I may be working when her shift is ending. Might not be so bad, but she is finding work up in the mountains where her dad lives. Her solution was to just spend weekends with me, but I know that soon she will be booked to work on weekends and I won't get to see her at all.
My heart is breaking that she won't be in her room being a teenager. She won't be in her room at all. It is a lot to take in. I am having to remind myself that I am her mom whether or not I get to see her with any regularity. I will always only be a phone call away. It just makes me sad and upset that is all for a job and some spending money. I wish I didn't need my job to stay afloat or I would be able to drop her off and pick her up. For those of you thinking, why Melissa why doesn't she just get a car and drive herself? Because it could be as much as $300 a month for car insurance and an unknown amount for her to get a car. Again, my mind is racing with thoughts and emotions that I do not want to be feeling.
"This to shall pass is" and "stay in this moment" are my current mantras. She could hate it and choose to quit quickly or she could love it and work permanently. All I can do is guess what the future will bring. I am super proud of her for wanting and searching out the job, I just wish it was down here. Her boyfriend, her friends and her school are all up in the mountains, so I guess it was only time tell what this change brings for our relationship.
Finally, I had my med check/therapy appointment. It was the best of times and the worst of times. I do not enjoy therapy and the digging. I did however need to cry my eyes out at all of the change consuming me all at once.
My psych nurse prescribed a med to help stop my hand tremor and that is used to fight panic attacks. That was a blessing. I had to be weened off xanax two years ago and have struggled with awful panic attacks since then. I am so grateful to have a new med in my arsenal that works quickly and that can be taken at any point needed versus taking every day. I feel like I have my xanax back!
That about wraps up my week. Next week I am on vacation and that stress is already starting. We are going camping and I am having to think about sleeping bags, food, activities and my snoring driving everyone crazy. Seems I have a little more stress to contend with before I spend my day soaking in the hot springs!
Say a prayer for me, that I can keep my shit held together.