I still can't shake these sad feelings.
My meds have been in my system for a full week. I know this is too soon, but one can hope. I am so aware of my mental state right now. It is like I am standing outside myself looking in. I can see how spent I feel after waking up and getting my daughter to school. I walk into the house and crash back into my bed. An hour or so later, I wake up and if I slept, I feel so much better. I have been jumping in the tub quickly, before my mind comes up with reasons not to get clean.
On a good day, I have a burst of energy after getting clean. I have two running list. The first is for work. My boyfriend adds to it and helps me not forget tasks that have to happen. The second list is my personal to-do list. I have been trying to pick one thing off each list to accomplish.
Yesterday I had a good day and got four things off my work list. Then I got majorly distracted and planned a vacation to Rome, Italy. It has been a trip I have wanted to take for two decades and yesterday it seemed like a high priority action item. There was no coming back from this mental train wreck. I thought about the trip and talked about the trip for the rest of the evening. I went to bed imagining how wonderful it would be.
Way too much stimulation of the brain meant I had a hard time shutting down my brain.
My boyfriend is taking his son to a big car show this coming weekend. Oddly enough I saw on social media that my former neighbor took his son to the same show earlier this week. I reached out to see if there were any "don't miss" items at the show. Just that little conversation was enough to set my mind mentally looking at housing options for when we are ready to buy a house. We specifically need a five bedroom/3 bath home with a garage for storage. The first house that came to mind was my first house with my ex-husband. The neighbor I had messaged earlier still lives across the street from my old house. My mind was pinging back and forth. But this house would be perfect. The bed/bath count is perfect and it is such a great layout. When I say I mentally looked at the houses, I mean I laid out the existing furniture in each room. I needed to see where to assign which child. The next house that I mentally shopped was one my boyfriends company did work in. I love the neighborhood. This house has four beds and one room without a window, so it can't be used as a bedroom as there would be no second option escape if there was a fire.
Can you hear the high pitch squeal of my brain. I once again laid out everyone's stuff into their rooms and it was so damn close. Finally my mind eased into the thought that another house in the area might be an exact fit, I just need to do some detective work.
Now we are no where near ready to buy a house. In fact, we are probable a couple years away from even looking at houses.
The third house I mentally looked at was another house we did work at. All it lacks is a fifth bedroom, but it has space to build out the final bedroom and it has a window available. We would also have to build a bathroom, but that is totally doable. I was very pleased with myself.
I am not sure when I fell asleep, but it was late. Waking up is always hard to do when I lose hours to racing thoughts.
I had a really good nap this morning and woke up feeling really good. I got up, got clean and formulated my plan for the day. I had to go get a check to mail off. I addressed the envelope, located the damn stamps and headed to the bank. Before going in I decided to verify I had my drivers license to gain access to the account. Turns out I did not. I had given it to my boyfriend to hold onto at some point this weekend. Damn, I was totally deflated as I wouldn't be able to get the check. My plan had been, get check, get haircut and then drive to post office to mail off check. I had planned to be super productive. When that didn't work out, I wanted to just call it a day, but I pushed through and went and got my hair cut.
Turns out I hadn't been in to get my hair (or bangs) cut in six months. No wonder my hair looked so ragged. My bangs were down to my cheeks. I am glad I went in and got seen. After that, I head home with the knowledge that I will have to find the gumption to get up and go to the bank tomorrow. That kinda freaks me out as I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow.
I remembered to eat, but in the end that did not keep the fog from rolling in. I could feel it settling in on me and zapping my attention. Again, outside looking in, I knew it was happening and I know it will last the rest of the damn evening. I don't bounce back from the lows very quick. So here I sit trying to find some energy and interest. Sometimes writing is just enough mental stimulation to jump start my mind.
My fingers are crossed that I can recover from this sad afternoon.
Once I saw a meme on Instagram that said something about Depression that said, I am not tired, I just don't want to be awake.
That is how I feel.
Here the fucking new year has rolled around and I am once again in a depressed funk. I am truly so damn tired and could stay cocooned in my nice warm bed all day watching my thoughts and dreams and fears floating in and out of my thoughts. When I can't sleep, all I do is watch. It isn't so bad to lay there. It doesn't seem real, any of it. If a really horrible, scary thought drifts by, I just squinch my eyes super tight, tense up my body and will the images to disappear. Wrapped up in my bed I have a tiny bit of control.
If a really good thought drifts by, I can grab it and watch it over and over again. I can see that I might just be okay in the end. Then another awful thought floats in and settles down letting me watch my failure over and over and over.
There are days I cannot sleep and desperately need to. I can hear the tick tock of an imaginary clock counting off the seconds that I am laying in bed unable to find sleep.
These are difficult days when I can't sleep and have lain in bed watching my thoughts. It is overwhelming to have so many thoughts and worries. Thoughts that plague me are will I ever find my calling? It can't be as a writer as I have nothing new to offer. It can't be as a podcaster as my thought well has run dry. I am the voice of nothing. All I have it this blog/diary that I tend to neglect when I am curled up in bed.
Should I start taking classes at the community college towards getting a degree in general studies? Will I decide then to keep going to get a four year degree? Will I use this degree to do anything other than hold down a basic office job?
Will I be brilliant at anything or just keep paddling along trying to make ends meet?
Should I find a place to volunteer where I will feel wanted and needed? Would that fill this void and stop the desire to just not want to be awake?
A decade ago I was teetering on divorce. My life was filled with so much uncertainty and fear. My husband at the time was unemployed and I was trying to find a job in a small mountain town to help us out. I knew he would find work again and I just wanted to get us through. Another year later I was ending our marriage. I was so excited with all of the opportunity laid out ahead of me. I could do anything and anything seemed possible. The career option that excited me was becoming a yoga instructor. I had no idea that most instructors can't support themselves teaching yoga. I had no idea that I would end up getting heart burn while doing any inverted pose. Basically I just had no idea. But that was the last time I was certain on a path to jump on. Why didn't I jump on it? Time and commitment were required.
Is this why I am not jumping back into going to community college? Is the time it will take me to complete a degree looming too greatly ahead of me? I am afraid of committing to general studies versus getting a geology or history degree? Or am I just standing at the starting line afraid to take that first step?
Now a decade later I am not closer to finding my path to jump on. It all just feels so jumbled and pointless. I don't have a lot of time left to learn a new job. I don't feel like I have a lot of time left period.
We had dinner with some friends who are newly retired. They have the time and means to start a new life. They are going to create a traveling You-tube channel of their journeys. As I sat and listened to them my brain was finally firing on most cylinders. It was the first time in so long I felt alive. I was so excited for them and had several ideas to throw out to them. It felt good to be productive. Of course I was terribly jealous of their joy and excitement for their future.
The next day the sorrow seeped in for my loss.
Do you ever feel like a burden to those you love?
I do. Right now I feel like a huge burden and with that feeling, a heavy weight settles on my chest. I don't like being dependant on anyone. I feel more at ease when I am taking care of myself, but right now I feel overwhelmed and fatiqued. I just can't find any motivation or desire.
I listened to my podcast from last winter, when my depression had me in it's grips and it made me cry. Listening to my voice and my words was too much. I don't want to get that bad again. I don't want to get anywhere near that again, ever.
But I am heading there, slowly and painfully.
I don't want to get out of bed and as soon as I can, I want to get back into bed. Sleep or not, I want to be wrapped up in my blankets and safe. I want to lay there in the quiet void. I do the things I must, such as take my daughter to school and pick her up. Then I want to lay back down until bedtime. But I have to get dinner ready, after that I am officially off. Except when my daughter or my boyfriend wants to be with me or speak to me.
The farther I sink into this nothingness, the less I want to be around them. It is too much to pretend I am okay.
I got clean today because I had to go get groceries. Tomorrow I will get clean because I have to go to work.
I am already stressing the fact that I have to work the next 7 days straight, which means I have to get clean everyday and function like a normal, well grown up. So now the anxiety kicks in to just make things worse. I will go from laying in bed in the void to laying in bed with obsessive thoughts and worries.
I started the new med, Geodon and I know it will take a few weeks to settle into my system. I just don't believe I can make it through a few weeks like this.
I can't believe how hard it is to come off a med and start a new one. Because of my depression creeping back in it was decided that I would come off my abilify and start Geodon. I am on a low does of Abilify so it is just a week to come off it. I have had to wait to start the Geodon as my pharmacy doesn't have it and was going to need to pull it from several different sources. Doesn't that sound like a winner from the word go. I went and had my lithium level checked at the same time.
My psych nurse shops at my grocery store and when she sees me she always stop to discreetly ask me how I am doing. Normally like many of you, I say "I am fine." even when I am not. Instead I looked at her and stated I am not good. She replied that my lithium level was at the bottom of theraputic and to take one more pill to see if we could boost it.
By doing so, we are back to the 1200 mg's I was on this summer when I felt good. When I felt so good I asked if we could lower things to see if I would do well on less meds. What a mistake that was. I felt good at that time. Now I feel like utter hell. So this is day 2 of adding in the extra Lithium pill.
I want results now, but I know it will take weeks to get everything in my system at just the right amounts. I also know that this new med may not work.
At my appointment, I asked if we were running out of options for meds that are in my price range and was told yes. That kinda sucked to hear, but I know they want me on the newer meds and I just can't afford them.
I just feel like a mess. I am so tired. I am so weary. I could curl up in my covers and just stare at the ceiling and sleep. I just want to sleep. I just don't want to function. Actually I don't feel like I can function. I can't focus. I can't listen. I feel flat and deflated.
I am still aware enough to know that this will pass. I know that either the new meds will help or that they won't and I have a follow up appointment in two weeks. I also know I can leave a message that I am not doing well and that I will get a phone call.
I know all of that so dispair hasn't taken over. I am hovering around in that void, that is neither bad nor worse. No suicidal thoughts, just overwhelm.
Just wanted to share this sad update, so we can appreciate when I am feeling better.
I am still not sleeping well at night. I wake up too many times. The quantity and quality of my sleep are bad. I have listened to several of Dr. Mark Hyman's podcast on brain health and sleep. The one I listened to today was a teaser for an intense study on sleep issues. Even as a teaser, there was so much information to take in.
If you are like me and either can't fall asleep or can't stay asleep, I have included some links to the information from the podcast I listened to today. I wish I could give you a link to the podcast but it was one of those podcast you had to sign up for. Ba Hum Bug!
First I learned how important Melatonin is to the sleep-wake process. I didn't know that Melatonin is a hormone released by the Pineal Glad. A hormone? I thought it was just a vitamin. Dr. Hyman says there are studies showing that Melatonin helps prevent Cancer. What a big statement. He went on to say that lack of sleep correlates with getting cancer. So poor quality sleep is tied to getting cancer.
For those of us with poor quality sleep, this is scary news. I personally haven't slept well since before my teen years. While I can't undue all of the damage I have accumulated, I can add Melatonin to my nightly pill regimine. Regarding the dose, I have no clue and will talk to my doctor about that.
Another thing to talk to your doctor about is your Iron level as low iron can cause sleep disruptions. I don't know the last time I had my iron level checked. Adding to my list of level checks the next time I have my lithium done.
He also said you need to keep your B vitatimins up, specifically B6 and B12.
Lack of sleep has also been connected to Alzheimers Disease, which is a disease of inflammation. Lack of sleep also is tied to obesity, weight gain, and depression.
Dr. Hyman says part of how he manages his sleep is through a healthy sleep routine. First he doesn't eat or drink three hours before bed. That is a really difficult one for me as we eat within three hours of bed and I usually have a drink at the end of dinner into the evening. He also has no screen time three hours before bed. I am on my phone right up until I put my head down on the pillow. Already there is some work for me to do to create a healthy bed time routine.
He said he meditates at least once a day for 20 minutes and a second time if he can squeeze it into the afternoon. He goes to bed early each night after a long hot bath with lavender essential oil. The hot bath raises his body temperature which makes it easier to fall asleep and his body cools down. He said the lavender oil lowers cortisol which is the fight or flight hormone. So lowering it helps calm his brain.
The final thing he mentioned was to add Magnesium to your sleep cycle pill regimine. Magnesium is a mineral that helps to calm and relax the mind and body. You can take this orally or in the form of a epsom salt bath. Again, I need to talk to my doctor to see what a safe and effective does is of these pills. Taking more than needed of some vitamins and minerals can cause severe diahreah. Nobody has time for that shit!
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/02/190227173111.htm Not All Sleep Is Equal
https://www.helsinki.fi/en/news/health-news/deep-sleep-cleanses-the-brain Deep Sleep Cleanses the Brain
https://www.karger.com/Article/FullText/490349 The Glymphatic System and Waste Clearance with the Aging Brain
https://www.theguardian.com/science/neurophilosophy/2015/aug/22/how-to-optimise-your-brains-waste-disposal-system How to Optimize Your Brain's Waste Disposal System
https://www.awakeningfromalzheimers.com/for-a-healthier-brain-sleep-like-this/ For a Healthier Brain Sleep Like This
"Let's talk about how hard it is to explain to your friends and family that you have this heavy feeling in your chest for no reason." Talking to friends and family about your depression is really difficult to do. They want the depression to be connected to a situation, something they can understand and possibly fix for you. While I do suffer with situational stress, anxiety and depression, I also suffer with Bipolar Depression. Bipolar depression comes out of nowhere and can't be connected to any one situation. It just is. It is like being under a strong wave and caught up in the undertow. Depression is so damn heavy.
Succumbing to depression feels like a great failure. If I were stronger, I would be able to keep depression at bay. If I were braver, I would be able to pull myself out of the blues. If I just got out and exercised I would stop this depression in it's tracks. If I were more grateful I would see I have no reason to be depressed. But I am not stronger, braver, grateful or motivated to get out. I am slowly drowning in depression. I don't mean to, but once it starts it seems daunting to get through.
I go to my therapist appointments and we talk about what is going on to see if it is situational or Bipolar. We discuss med changes and I hate med changes. Three weeks or more of gambling that the change will ease me back to normal. Three weeks of the withdrawl of meds and waiting for the new drug to take hold. Even small med tweeks of dosage cause chaos with your system. Then you go back to your therapist to see if the med change worked. Some times it does, but just as often it doesn't. This is usually weeks of screwing with your system and lots of ups and downs.
I have an appointment next week and I will bring her up to speed that while the anxiety we were focused on was situational this time, and is being controlled by the meds, my depression could be from the chaotic past few weeks, but it isn't going away or being held at bay right now with my current meds.
What does depression feel like to me? I feel so damn tired, bone weary. Somedays I could nap forever. My nights are broken into waking up every hour or two to flip. I am awake enough to know I am awake and flipping. I get irritated that I am awake again. We bought a new bed a year ago thinking that might be the cause of my flipping and waking up, but even on the new bed, I am waking and flipping. Maybe this is perimenapause? Maybe it is Bipolar? I don't know. I feel overwhelmed by everything. Completely overwhelmed.
For me, sliding into depression means not wanting to bathe. I want to be clean, but the process seems just too much work. I don't want to be cold. I don't want to have to dry my hair. I don't want to get out of the clothes I am wearing as they are toasty warm. I want to just wake up and stay in my pj's. I just want to stay in bed.
My appetite comes and goes and I crave sugar and carbs. But neither of them give me any energy. When my appetite goes away, I rely on Boost drinks to get some type of nutrition in my body. Or when I am hungry, I eat tons of snacks throughout the day. Some of which are good for me and some are pure junk.
My irriation level also sky rockets. I become easily irritated and angry. I get mad about the clutter in my house and want to throw everything away. The clutter feels like the walls are closing in on me. And I can't get anyone to understand.
I have a short temper and snap at those I love about the strangest things. My aggrevation doesn't make sense. It is just a buzz inside my head that makes me uncomfortable.
When I can nap and fall asleep, I am at my most happy. I could nap the day away when sleep finds me. When I lay down to nap and can't find sleep, I am completly pissed. It is awful to be sleepy and nodding off only to lay down and have my mind busy. I just want to lay in bed and forget everything.
One of the worst aspects of Bipolar Depression is the brain fog. I used to have a sharp mind, like a tack. When I am in the fog, everythings seems difficult. Work related task fly in and out of my head. I try to write them all down, but sometimes I forget to. Some times I write the task down and still forget to do them. It is very embarrasing. Buying groceries is an olympic sport which both makes me anxious and zaps my energy. Conversations are hard to follow because my attention comes and goes. So I don't want to try to connect with friends because I feel overwhelmed connecting. I also feel like a whiney bitch who is in constant turmoil. I don't want to tell my friends about another episode of depression because I feel so damn needy. I don't want to be so dependant and needy. I can remember when I was the friend who everyone could count on. Now, I feel horrible.
"Let people feel the weight of who you really are and let them fucking deal with it." To me that means finding the courage to sit with those I love and say, right now I am in that dark, ugly place where all I want to do is cry and sleep. I don't feel like being brave to keep you in the dark. I don't want to scare you, but I am feeling depressed. Easier said then done.
I am back home in CO!
The trip went so much better than I had expected. I had been taking the Propranolol twice a day for the prior week to help with the crushing anxiety I was experiencing. I am so glad I spoke up at my therapy appointment, telling her how bad the anxiety was. She suggested the twice a day addition to my med cocktail to just take the edge off and it did, without any haze from a benzo.
I had to work the night before and got home in the late evening. I was so worried I wouldn't sleep and didn't want to take a full seroquel in fear of being a zombie and not being able to function, so I only took a half pill. I slept like the dead and had no problem waking up. Another win for my med cocktail.
We arrived a day early to allow for one day of relaxing before the possible difficult days. It was a well planned day by my boyfriend. We went to two tide pools to search for little creatures, we went to a beach that had sea lions soaking up the sun. The weather the entire trip was unseasonably warm and felt magical. We had breakfast at a cafe with an ocean view and watched surfers trying to catch waves.We ended the day with a sushi dinner on a roof top patio facing the ocean. My boyfriend got us to the restaurant 30 minutes before sunset, so we ate while watching a beautiful ocean sunset. The first day was relaxing and fun. Not until a wee bit later did the anxiety hit me hard about what could happen the next day.
We found my exhusband and daughter and hung out with them to catch a glimpse of our son. We spent family day together the five of us. Conversations were easy and the whole focus was on our son. The person I was expecting to ignore me or slight me arrived later in the afternoon. The first few minutes were a little tense, then they turned their focus on my son and everything became light. There was so much good laughter and so many smiles. We let my son lead the day and try to accomplish all of the last minute items he needed to do prior to graduation.
He lead us all around and we even managed to cram a musuem trip in. All while being a group of nice, relaxed adults. I couldn't have imagined a better day. With my anxiety, I couldn't imagine a good day with all of us together at all. So I was so pleased.
The whole day was about putting our kids first and foremost and giving them a good experience. There was zero conflict to stress them out. Again, it was heaven.
The next day we found two seats together in the bleachers for graduation. I assumed my ex husband and daugter had arrived early as they had the day before and were already sitting in primo seats. Then they walked by us and it became obvious that they had just arrived and couldn't find any seats at all. Out of the freakin blue, the couple in front of us left their seats. My boyfriend was able to grab them while I called my ex husband. Sure enough, he did want the seats and he and our daughter were able to sit where we would all have an excellant view of the graduation ceremony.
It has always been my hope and belief that my ex husband and I were capable to getting along enough to make life easy on our kids. We have had family meetings in my house, we have shared meals together and now we have speant a full day being a blended family.
A lot of this is able to happen because I am medicated. I am able to be in the middle and not riddled with anxiety. Not that anxiety doesn't grab hold of me often, but being honest with my therapist, I am able to take steps to change or adjust meds to help me be at my best.
As a special gift for our kids. I caught my ex husband off guard and asked for a family photo of the four of us. It is a good photo. I will get it printed for the kids. One photo, daughter, mom, son and dad, 2019.
I did see my therapist. She was very sad for me and I greatly appreciated it. What I am dealing with is sad, depressing and painful. Family can be your greatest source of support and/or your greatest source of punishment.
In the end, my therapist asked me to visualize everyone involved and surround them with a calm, peaceful light. I chose white light for each of them. I have started practicing to get the love started. This is not as easy as it sounds. I have a lot of emotions tied to these people I love. Emotions that I process and put aside, over and over again.
So my boyfriend and I fly out tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn. I am already out of sorts by all of this schedule upheaval. I also work tonight at the grocery store. Thankfully, only until 10 pm. Once in CA, we have the whole day to play and run around and enjoy the mild weather. I am so glad my boyfriend is going because he will help me relax and not freak out to much. He has a nice day planned for us and I am grateful he took the time to make it special.
Thursday we get to see my son. I cannot wait. It has been ages since I got to hug that boy. My ex husband will be there for this family day and I am seeing him surrounded by a big white light. I am hoping he plays nice and does not lead our children to pick who they get to hang out with. I am hoping we can all spend the afternoon playing nice, for me and for our son.
As for the rest of the crew, well I will see them in white light as well. I am hoping they can muster the grace to know this day is not about them. I am hoping. All I can do is put it out to the universe and see what happens.
The next day is graduation and the initial unpleasantries will be over. Things should be tolerable by Friday. It isn't a long graduation and then final hugs. My boyfriend and I will head back to the airport and fly home. My stressful whirlwind will be over, for now.
My therapist gave me propantenol to calm my nerves and manage my anxiety. I didn't think it would be enough and was prepared to ask for the big guns, but it seems to be working to keep my anxiety to a manageable roar.
I am so glad I went to see her and shared what is going on. I am not a good sharer. I become horribly embarrassed by my lack of control and being overly emotional. Anxiety is very embarrassing because it comes out of no where. It doesn't even have to have a reason to rear it's ugly head. For me, last week, I did know specifically why mine had been triggered, but it was still hard to explain. It was hard to speak. Anxiety and fear are so personal. To have to expose yourself to anyone is truly difficult, but I am glad I did. My therapist was able to help me see that I was having a "normal" reaction to some extreme emotions and situation. It is so empowering to have someone tell you they would be anxious if they were in your shoes.
Say a prayer that the next few days go well for all involved. Thank you!
I have moments of lightness in my heart. Moments when I have forgiven all of the pain and neglect. Those moments feel so good. Then my anxiety dredges the painful memories back up and I hurt. I feel the weight of the pain and Ihave to start the work again to feel and release. Today my mind is racing with old thoughts and old hurts. I am trying to sit with each pain to quiet it down. I see my therapist today and I hope she can help.
All of this pain and work is due to the message I received from someone who use to be in my life and chose to leave me. That hits on so many painful memories of neglect from my childhood. Sometimes I have to trace the pain back to the first times that I felt it to understand why I get so triggered when similar pain happens today. It is not this person's fault that people I loved and trusted when I was young failed me and left me. I can say this outloud and yet they pain is crushing.
How do I tell this person that the anger they have towards me is not really about me, but misplaced anger at their own parent. I am just an easy target. I know I don't tell them anything. It is not my place and they wouldn't hear me anyway. They are smart and will figure it out in their own time. Healing just takes time.
Next week I fly out to see my son graduate! I am so excited and proud. I have missed him so damn much. I am working my ass of to process my feelings so that I can focus on my son and his achievement and not my fear and worry and anxiety over this other person. This mystery person who I have been stressing over might be there. Probably will be there, so I have a weeks time left of this endless stressing and racing thoughts. One more fucking week. Then I put it all back, neatly in it's little box for a while longer. My hope is that each time I pull the box out to peer into it that I will have a little more distance from the pain. I hope that each time I reach in to pick up the hurt that I will have a softer heart and more understanding.
I want to be able to sit with my old hurts and see them with fresh eyes, with eyes of love. I hope to be able to heal and not hurt when I visit the past.
I bathed today. This past week it has been harder and harder to get my ass out of bed and get clean.These are not good signs for me. In the past it has meant depression was slowly sneaking into my life, again.
I could curl up in my bed covers and sleep the day away. I could cram two naps into my day if left to my own devices. In fact, some days I do have a second nap once I get my daughter home from school. Whereas so months I couldn't actually nap to save my soul. I would lay there getting frustrated with myself because I knew I was exhausted. I just couldn't find sleep. Now I not only sleep, I dream.
Today it took me until 1 pm to get clean. I only did it then because I have to go fetch my daughter and go to work at the grocery store tonight. I feel fairly certain that if I was off work from the grocery store tonight, I would still be in my pj's, not showered.
I have my next psych apptointment next week. I can make it until then. Last appointment we lowered my Abilify. I am thinking that may not have been a good choice. Don't get me wrong, I have asked for us to make some changes to see what the minimum dosages I need to take to maintain my "normal". We took my lithium down and I didn't notice a change. Then the Abilify and now I am starting down the path to zombie land.
I have had a great deal of personal stress with my daughter. She is pushing boundaries as teenagers do, but it sucks that it coincides with my med change. The worst part of her pushing boundaries is it means I have to interact with my ex husband too damn often.
That is the Mental Melissa update. I bathed today, even though I didn't want to. What did you do today that you didn't want to?
More of my Let It Go theme!
"Don't judge people for the choices they make when you don't know the options they had to choose from." This quote damn near split me in two. Every thing seems so black and white to people who are living an easy life with blinders on. For people taking a peak into someone else's life. For those of us down in the trenches and those below us, there is so much grey.
Sometimes there is very little time to weigh the options presented and a decision has to be made in a split second. Some of those decisions we come to regret. Some of those decisions we grow into slowly over time. Sometimes years pass before we see if we made the right or wrong decision.
I have made good and bad decisions. My bipolar has gotten the best of me a handfull of times and caused me to fuck up shit royally. Looking back, with eyes guided by therapy, I have forgiven myself for those mistake too. Those are the hard ones, the ones that I can't make sense with who I am and how I live. There aren't a lot of those mistakes, but the few have been life changing.
Living with bipolar means that I am not always in a mental position to make decisions or most importanly I shouldn't be making decisions because when I am manic there is no black and white, just colors and paths that all seem like good adventures.
I wish there was a way to play back memories so you could show them to other people so they could see what you saw, what you felt and what you heard. Walk a mile in my shoes seems tame to crawl in my head for a day. Okay maybe I don't wish to share my memories as they would break the heart of those concerned and judging me. It would be hard for them to relive the memories with me, surrounded by all of my emotions swirling around them. It would be hard to see the people they love behaving so badly.
This is why it is so difficult to have bipolar. My mind is often in a non stop feedback loop. Letting go is especially difficult when your brain won't let you press stop, and then let go. My mind can go from feedback loop to racing thoughts in the blink of an eye. Then I am headed to shitville, where my thoughts won't stop and I start making decisions based on flawed, dangerous logic.
"Don't judge people for the choices they make when you don't know the options they had to choose from." Weighing awful choice versus equally awful choice is a bad place to be. A lot of my life has made me stand at the fucked up fork in the road trying to figure out which is the best path to choose. I will end this post with the quote, "Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one." by Grandmother Willow, Pocahontas.
Yesterday was heavy for me. Someone I dearly sent me a message last week judging me for my actions in the past. They heard one side of the story and never asked for mine, just accepted the one side. I kinda knew that was why contact was withdrawn, but always wondered what the specifics were. Boy did I get a scathing detail of my transgressions.
During the time they were not in my life, I have missed them greatly. My heart has broken a million time from this loss. But I did finally make peace with it, that is until I received the message.
I mentally comprised a huge document stating my side to all of the half truths the other person had told them. I edited it mentally every night as I laid in bed. I edited it every morning while I sat in the quiet of my house drinking coffee.
Finally I remembered this is not who I am. I have worked too hard on my life, to go back to justifying my actions to others. I have worked too hard to forgive the person who was directly a party to the situation. That has taken me 7 years. Seven years of fighting back and arguing and trying to make them change their ways. I have known 3 years of peace. Three years of not arguing and fighting, of not being drug into the drama. Three years of forgiveness to the person who hurt me as much as I hurt them. Three years of forgiveness to myself.
Boundaries are hard for me to put into place, but my counter part in this mess gives me ample opportunity to practice, almost daily. I stay true to myself even if that causes more discord between us.
So to my heart breaker, I sent a simple message that I was sorry they still carried the weight of my decisions. I was sorry that they had to even be drawn into the fight. I reasurred them that I love them so very much and that I hope one day they can let it all go.
I am back at peace with myself. It feels good to be balanced again.
I am glad the weight of yesterday has been lifted from my shoulders.
A decade of having the message, "let go and let God" drumming in my ear. With Bipolar that is easier said than done. I can let it go and my racing thoughts can hold me hostage in that thought loop. I focus on trying to let things go as they arise, daily. Some weeks I let the same damn thought go seven times. I always wake up and try to let it go again.
I am dealing with some issues I will talk about in days to come as I process them. The theme is letting go. I have spent the past decade learning what it meant to let it go. That process has taken me most of those years. I have wanted to explain and document and address and correct and discuss things to make certain everyone in the know was up to speed on where things stood. I wanted to be right. I wanted others to know I was right. In a lot of the cases I was right, but in the past couple of years I have found peace that can only be brought about by letting things go.
My need to be right was a hard one to let go of. Now I want my peace more than trying to show myself how smart I am. I didn't feel worthy of being right or standing up for myself. When I stopped trying, I found peace to not argue (as much). I have spent so much time fighting and documenting and winning that I couldn't be at peace, even when I won. There was no joy in winning because it all cost me my peace.
To me, letting go means reclaiming my peace. It means focusing on this moment and guarding the moment. I have let people go because even well meaning as they were, they cost me my peace. Specifically with my bipolar, I was not sick enough for them to believe that I was indeed bipolar. I am so grateful that I can pass for normal in most arenas. I am so grateful that for the most part my illness comes and goes quietly if you aren't looking close enough. Like many of you, I have learned to hide my depression.
To me, letting go means letting other people live their lives, even when it means I am on my knees praying feverishly for their safety. It means stepping back and also being right there with no judgement, just love.
I am learning that you can't change anyone. Even when the change is obviously for their best. Like taking medications. If that person doesn't want to, there is no reasoning with them. They have made up their mind and the continued pushing of information doesn't change their mind, it just stops the conversations all together. I have learned when you push, people close the door on you and let you go. I don't want to be pushed out of the people's lives that I love so dearly, so I am practicing letting my issues with them go.
I don't want to push them out of my life, but sometimes it is in my best interest to do so for me to maintain my peace. It is rarely best to watch some destroy themselves. It would require more peace than I have to keep my mouth shut!
So letting go will be in my thoughts over the next few blog post. I would love to hear what your thoughts are regarding letting go and letting God (or your higher power). What have you had to sit by and watch happen knowing you were powerless to make change? What is the best tool you have found for practicing letting go?
Love me some inspirational quotes and memes! They make me smirk, and sometimes that is as good as a smile. Go check out her line of cards. They are spot on!
"You often feel tired, not because you've done too much, but because you've done too little of what sparks a light in you." Author Unkown
This is how I feel. Not depressed, but bored. This boredome can lead to depression like symptoms. I feel under stimulated. No hobbies. Few conversations. Nothing new being introduced into my brain.
The job at the grocerie store gives me some stimulation, but it is all surface level and the same conversations are repeated all day. Just like the food coming down the conveyer, so do the tired old same questions. Plastic or Paper? Ha ha, you forgot your bags in the car. Yep you are not alone in that. Did you find everything okay? Is this the end of your day?
My favorite and only question that leads to interesting answers is "so what are you making with all of these items?" You ask this when it is not obvious at all what they are going to do with olives, three cartons of ice cream, an eggplant, two stalks of celery, three Red Bulls, some mozzerella cheese sticks and an avacado. Sometimes they look at you like none-ya-business and other times they describe a recipe they found and once they explain the recipe it all makes sense. Other times, like described above they aren't making shit. Just eating random items.
When a buggy topped full of food hits the conveyor I try to guess what the dollar amount comes to. $341.57? $453. 28? $280.86? I love this game. Then I ask if this is enough food for two weeks or a month? See I am connecting with the customers! My last game to keep myself for becomming bored at work is to mentally guess how many of any one items would fit into a buggy based on what is the predominant item in their cart. How many packets of Ramen will fit into a buggy? My guess is 600! How many little lunchables? About the same as the Ramen. How many bags of grapes, without squishing them? My guess is 250.
If you have made it this far into this post, CONGRATULATIONS! I am bored. I am trying to find ways to keep myself from surcombing to Situational Depression. And fuck me if Seasonal Depression isn't knocking on our doorsteps. As soon as the days get shorter and darker I can feel the need to curl up and sleep take over.
I am going to get off my ass this week and go down to the local bead shop to find out what classes they offer and what they cost. I have a ton of images in my head of earrings and necklaces I want to make. I also bought two stamps to start making some art. I would like to have enough to start a little online store. Who has experience with online stores? I am not sure what are the most cost effective ways to sell online. Anyway, if you have thoughts on that, let me know. My email is email@example.com
Thank you for sticking around to the end of this rant. I feel less bored already. Hope this need to spend and start projects isn't a hint of hypomania to come. Bear with me while I ride this roller coaster.
I just put up a new Podcast on deserving happiness. It also touches on forgiveness!
You can listen to the Podcast anywhere you listen to podcast. I am on Spotify and Itunes!
Or click this link to listen to it on Anchor which is the system I create my podcast on:
Another small delight that I am trying to enjoy is reading. It is one of my most favorite hobbies. That is until depression sets in and I can't retain more than a page at a time. Or, when I am manic and I read the whole book in one sitting.
If you aren't familiar with Gabrielle Bernstein, she is a new age guru with wisdom far beyond her years. She has several books out. Each one better than the next. Each one step by step on how to change your life to the life you want. Her books are easy to read and each chapter is usually a little lesson that has an accompanying meditation or mantra.
My boyfriend purchased this book for me for Mother's Day this year and I started it and then couldn't focus. I am now on Chapter 3: You are always being guided, even when it doesn't feel like it.
"Universal Lesson: The World is Your Classroom and People Are Your Assignment."
Step 2 is where I am sitting and stewing. "Accept that you cannot avoid the assignment". I sure have spent 20 years trying to avoid my assignment. I wish I had read this back then and avoided so much of the pain and repeat I have lived through.
I haven't written in a while as it was easier to just post on Instagram. I am okay, but hitting an energy low. I could lie in bed all day and be quite content.
I am regretting all of the things I didn't do this summer, but happy I have this part-time job to pad my savings. I know my second job is wearing on my boyfriend and that makes me sad as he is my main support. I am trying to figure out a win-win solution.
I like the job. I don't love it, but it is what it is. I get to leave it at the door when I get home.
I am grateful for the reason to get up and get clean. Flashbacks to this winter when I wouldn't get clean all day.
What's next for me is trying to stay in the moment and savor as many good moments as I can.
I have no big picture plan. I really just need to get to the end of today and wake up again tomorrow. One of the "good moments" for me right now are the tiny clementines and grapes are at their peak of yumminess!
I also picked up a Big Gulp of Mountain Dew yesterday. I don't do that often, but it made me feel about 19 years old. I was flooded with memories of carefree evenings and little responsibilities. I opened the windows to the car, hair flying around me and drove up the mountain to get my daughter while sipping my sugary treat.
I am also eating hummus and pita chips for breakfast. It sits so nicely on my finicky belly.
Each of those treats is a bit of joy to my day. Not part of a plan of action, but simple moments for me to find a bit of happiness. I hope you are filling your days with happy moments.
Drug Overdose And Suicide Are Leading Causes Of Postpartum Death In CA by Leah Groth
Click Here to read the article.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years time? Listen mate am just tryin to make it to Friday."
One of my worst faults is future tripping. I can lose an entire afternoon or evening worrying about the future. This is one of my major anxiety inducing time consumers. I often worry about what my future looks like. Will my bipolar keep getting worse as I age? Will I be too much to handle that my kids won't be able to support me? Will they not want me around their kids? Will I become so unpredictable that I won't be able to function and take care of myself? Will I ever have financial security again? Will I ever feel like I measure up in the normal person world? Will I stay physically healthy or will 30 years of bad choices start to take their toll? What does the last 30 to 40 years of my life look like? Will I be active and of sound mind; or will I be a huge burden? Will I be able to live by myself? Will I want to live? Will I be able to wipe my own ass? Will my children through away all of my stuff that means so much to me?
Other days I want to find the "thing" that will make my soul sing. I wonder if I will ever find my place in this world? Will I find a way to use my voice to help others? Will I find my own personal way to be of service? Will I leave a legacy of love? Will I leave peace to my children or chaos?
Heavy thoughts that choose to run through my brain as soon as I lay my head down at night.
What thoughts do you future trip on? Are yours on an automatic replay loop or do you get hit with new worries with regularity? What are your biggest triggers or worries?
Me, I am just tryin to get to Friday!
I got up yesterday morning at 5 am. I got my daughter up and out of the house and to school on time! I worked my day job and then went to my night job at 5 pm. I had a soda before leaving in hopes of keep my damn eyes awake. I worked until shortly after midnight and came home.
I debated taking my sleeping pill of choice, seroquel but decided the hangover would be awful as I would have to be capable of driving in 5 hours. So I didn't even take a low dose.
Needless to say, I did not sleep a damn bit last night. I flipped and flopped, but no sleep. I just got some of my work done this morning and will be heading in to bed to take a nap so I can function the rest of this day.
I am grateful that I do not work tonight. I have three evenings off until I have to close the store again.
Sending me sleepy time wishes and prayers.
This is a podcast I did early on about my mental illness and my pregnancy. May 2018 My first pregnancy was so hard due to my mood disorder rearing its ugly head again after about a decade of me managing with few symptoms and unmedicated.
Or you can listen on Spotify or Itunes!