I can feel it rising in my chest and flushing my face. I have been asked to do something last minute and it interrupts my well planned out day. Granted I don't have a damn thing planned today, but I didn't have all of this new stuff in my plan.
My daughter's boyfriend is having his birthday celebration with his mom today. It seems he either just remembered or just found out last night. He is still asleep and my daughter and I try to figure out when I can drop her off up in the mountains for him to pick her up. Of fucking course no one know when this ends. More rage flares up in me because who doesn't know when something it supposed to end. Now I have to battle with my daughter to pick a fucking time when she will be home since this party will never end.
My day was going to be easy, no stress. Now I am worked up to DEFCON 2 about to explode.
To make matters worse, instead of having to drop my son off to do PT with his Marine Squad at the normal time of 12 pm. Today it is at 2 pm, which is the time I need to have my daughter 30 miles away. I am making myself sick trying to figure out to to get both kids where they want and need to be on time. My kids don't understand why I am being so short with them and getting so worked up.
They both know I have bipolar, but they really don't understand all of the areas of my life it affects. They don't understand the rigidity and stability it takes to keep me balanced.
I ask my son if I can take him early, as he gets anxious if it looks like we are going to be late to anything. He likes to give me shit because normally we are very early to everything. I can't help it. I like to plan for the unknown and get places with built in fudge factor. Anyhow, he said yes to leaving early. I am hoping the stars will align and my timing plan will work out for both kids.
Where does this leave me? I am trying to calm my anger down, reminding myself that my kids haven't done anything wrong. They simply asked to have their afternoon plans approved. I know they are not trying to anger me. I don't think they understand that both of them need to be somewhere at the exact same time. I don't think they really care about the other person's needs.
I am trying to calm down my anxiety. It won't disappear until I have accomplished the plan and they are both on time to where they want to be. Even then, the tightness in my chest won't relax for several hours after I am back home waiting to go pick my son after his work out. My daughter will get a ride back down at the end of the party, we are still discussing the time to be home.
UPDATE: She did not make it home at the agreed upon time. She texted 20 minutes from the time and asked for more time. I had already taken my pills so I could not order her home or threaten to come get her. I am trying to keep my calm this morning and failing waiting to talk to her. I could yank her out of bed, and I want to, but I know that I will explode and that is not the mom I want to be.
Parenting on meds, with mental illness is ugly and not for the faint of heart or the big ego.
Breathe in, breathe out, hyperventilate and try again.