A decade of having the message, "let go and let God" drumming in my ear. With Bipolar that is easier said than done. I can let it go and my racing thoughts can hold me hostage in that thought loop. I focus on trying to let things go as they arise, daily. Some weeks I let the same damn thought go seven times. I always wake up and try to let it go again.
I am dealing with some issues I will talk about in days to come as I process them. The theme is letting go. I have spent the past decade learning what it meant to let it go. That process has taken me most of those years. I have wanted to explain and document and address and correct and discuss things to make certain everyone in the know was up to speed on where things stood. I wanted to be right. I wanted others to know I was right. In a lot of the cases I was right, but in the past couple of years I have found peace that can only be brought about by letting things go.
My need to be right was a hard one to let go of. Now I want my peace more than trying to show myself how smart I am. I didn't feel worthy of being right or standing up for myself. When I stopped trying, I found peace to not argue (as much). I have spent so much time fighting and documenting and winning that I couldn't be at peace, even when I won. There was no joy in winning because it all cost me my peace.
To me, letting go means reclaiming my peace. It means focusing on this moment and guarding the moment. I have let people go because even well meaning as they were, they cost me my peace. Specifically with my bipolar, I was not sick enough for them to believe that I was indeed bipolar. I am so grateful that I can pass for normal in most arenas. I am so grateful that for the most part my illness comes and goes quietly if you aren't looking close enough. Like many of you, I have learned to hide my depression.
To me, letting go means letting other people live their lives, even when it means I am on my knees praying feverishly for their safety. It means stepping back and also being right there with no judgement, just love.
I am learning that you can't change anyone. Even when the change is obviously for their best. Like taking medications. If that person doesn't want to, there is no reasoning with them. They have made up their mind and the continued pushing of information doesn't change their mind, it just stops the conversations all together. I have learned when you push, people close the door on you and let you go. I don't want to be pushed out of the people's lives that I love so dearly, so I am practicing letting my issues with them go.
I don't want to push them out of my life, but sometimes it is in my best interest to do so for me to maintain my peace. It is rarely best to watch some destroy themselves. It would require more peace than I have to keep my mouth shut!
So letting go will be in my thoughts over the next few blog post. I would love to hear what your thoughts are regarding letting go and letting God (or your higher power). What have you had to sit by and watch happen knowing you were powerless to make change? What is the best tool you have found for practicing letting go?
Love me some inspirational quotes and memes! They make me smirk, and sometimes that is as good as a smile. Go check out her line of cards. They are spot on!
"You often feel tired, not because you've done too much, but because you've done too little of what sparks a light in you." Author Unkown
This is how I feel. Not depressed, but bored. This boredome can lead to depression like symptoms. I feel under stimulated. No hobbies. Few conversations. Nothing new being introduced into my brain.
The job at the grocerie store gives me some stimulation, but it is all surface level and the same conversations are repeated all day. Just like the food coming down the conveyer, so do the tired old same questions. Plastic or Paper? Ha ha, you forgot your bags in the car. Yep you are not alone in that. Did you find everything okay? Is this the end of your day?
My favorite and only question that leads to interesting answers is "so what are you making with all of these items?" You ask this when it is not obvious at all what they are going to do with olives, three cartons of ice cream, an eggplant, two stalks of celery, three Red Bulls, some mozzerella cheese sticks and an avacado. Sometimes they look at you like none-ya-business and other times they describe a recipe they found and once they explain the recipe it all makes sense. Other times, like described above they aren't making shit. Just eating random items.
When a buggy topped full of food hits the conveyor I try to guess what the dollar amount comes to. $341.57? $453. 28? $280.86? I love this game. Then I ask if this is enough food for two weeks or a month? See I am connecting with the customers! My last game to keep myself for becomming bored at work is to mentally guess how many of any one items would fit into a buggy based on what is the predominant item in their cart. How many packets of Ramen will fit into a buggy? My guess is 600! How many little lunchables? About the same as the Ramen. How many bags of grapes, without squishing them? My guess is 250.
If you have made it this far into this post, CONGRATULATIONS! I am bored. I am trying to find ways to keep myself from surcombing to Situational Depression. And fuck me if Seasonal Depression isn't knocking on our doorsteps. As soon as the days get shorter and darker I can feel the need to curl up and sleep take over.
I am going to get off my ass this week and go down to the local bead shop to find out what classes they offer and what they cost. I have a ton of images in my head of earrings and necklaces I want to make. I also bought two stamps to start making some art. I would like to have enough to start a little online store. Who has experience with online stores? I am not sure what are the most cost effective ways to sell online. Anyway, if you have thoughts on that, let me know. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you for sticking around to the end of this rant. I feel less bored already. Hope this need to spend and start projects isn't a hint of hypomania to come. Bear with me while I ride this roller coaster.
I just put up a new Podcast on deserving happiness. It also touches on forgiveness!
You can listen to the Podcast anywhere you listen to podcast. I am on Spotify and Itunes!
Or click this link to listen to it on Anchor which is the system I create my podcast on:
Another small delight that I am trying to enjoy is reading. It is one of my most favorite hobbies. That is until depression sets in and I can't retain more than a page at a time. Or, when I am manic and I read the whole book in one sitting.
If you aren't familiar with Gabrielle Bernstein, she is a new age guru with wisdom far beyond her years. She has several books out. Each one better than the next. Each one step by step on how to change your life to the life you want. Her books are easy to read and each chapter is usually a little lesson that has an accompanying meditation or mantra.
My boyfriend purchased this book for me for Mother's Day this year and I started it and then couldn't focus. I am now on Chapter 3: You are always being guided, even when it doesn't feel like it.
"Universal Lesson: The World is Your Classroom and People Are Your Assignment."
Step 2 is where I am sitting and stewing. "Accept that you cannot avoid the assignment". I sure have spent 20 years trying to avoid my assignment. I wish I had read this back then and avoided so much of the pain and repeat I have lived through.
I haven't written in a while as it was easier to just post on Instagram. I am okay, but hitting an energy low. I could lie in bed all day and be quite content.
I am regretting all of the things I didn't do this summer, but happy I have this part-time job to pad my savings. I know my second job is wearing on my boyfriend and that makes me sad as he is my main support. I am trying to figure out a win-win solution.
I like the job. I don't love it, but it is what it is. I get to leave it at the door when I get home.
I am grateful for the reason to get up and get clean. Flashbacks to this winter when I wouldn't get clean all day.
What's next for me is trying to stay in the moment and savor as many good moments as I can.
I have no big picture plan. I really just need to get to the end of today and wake up again tomorrow. One of the "good moments" for me right now are the tiny clementines and grapes are at their peak of yumminess!
I also picked up a Big Gulp of Mountain Dew yesterday. I don't do that often, but it made me feel about 19 years old. I was flooded with memories of carefree evenings and little responsibilities. I opened the windows to the car, hair flying around me and drove up the mountain to get my daughter while sipping my sugary treat.
I am also eating hummus and pita chips for breakfast. It sits so nicely on my finicky belly.
Each of those treats is a bit of joy to my day. Not part of a plan of action, but simple moments for me to find a bit of happiness. I hope you are filling your days with happy moments.