You can listen to this podcast on Itunes or Spotify search Mental Melissa. Or you can listen to the podcast following the link below.
Podcast Link: https://anchor.fm/mentalmelissa/episodes/Depression-creeping-in-e2shjc
Who has some coping skills for how they manage through their depression. I am considering a massive hair cut so I don’t have to shampoo as much. My hygiene is slipping. It has begun.
More on depression and why taking those small, baby steps is so damn hard.
Story Link: https://www.bphope.com/blog/why-is-it-so-hard-for-me-to-get-out-of-bed-when-im-depressed/?fbclid=IwAR1FhzMdh1P1BItA_IH7Af1H3WGBJ4EhiLOY55LgmLUflcGrqNTV-7hs8FY
Catch my podcast on my 10 Worst Things about Bipolar. You can listen to it on Itunes or Spotify. You can also catch the episode on Anchor Podcast: https://anchor.fm/mentalmelissa/episodes/10-worst-things-about-having-bipolar-e37a7v
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Great read about what so many of us adult children of alcoholics feel and go through. I am the adult child of two alcoholics. There are studies that link childhood trauma to mental illness. The trauma also affects my anxiety. I am always waiting for the worst case scenario or the other shoe to drop.
Story Link: https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/9802fa99-14a4-46d4-b568-6eb4ad8d8b2a?fbclid=IwAR3uhj-fa2hp8rLTXE-PEoqRdP86ebV9of0Mtmdawdy9u0gkYVc57YeaKxI
Happy Friday! This just made me laugh. For some of us, this is about as much effort as we can make to get outside.
I have a chair outside that I just go sit in for 15 minutes or so. As I get better and come out of the fog, I have started walking in the evening. Not much, just under 2 miles most nights, but it feels good.
All I can recommend is that you start by sitting outside. The vitamin D is so good for your mood. And it helps to regulate your sleep. It is an easy way to take a little control of your illness. If you have a mattress to lay on, all the better!
Happy sunshiny Friday!
If your life continues on the path you are on, what will it be like in five years?
Honestly, it would be very boring and painful to watch unfold. I don't feel very exciting now. To go meet new people would be unbearable. I wouldn't have a great deal to speak about. I would feel very jealous of the people who were glittery and witty and who were living a life of experiences. I would feel jealous in general.
If my life stayed the same, I would still be overweight and not look like I remember myself looking a mere 5 years ago.
I would still be broke and living paycheck to paycheck. Which wouldn't be awful except I wouldn't be broke and happy, creating and being of service. I would just be broke and bored.
If my life stayed the same, would be so bored I would fall into a long, dreadful depression.
If my life stayed the same, would be lonely. I worry sometimes I might die of loneliness.
What do I need to change to stop this terrible future from happening?
I need to find my creativity again and start making something, anything. I need to read more and see more movies to fill my mind with interesting concepts and ideas. I need to go out with my girlfriends to stay in touch with my feminine side. I need to go out on more adventures and people watch with my boyfriend. I need to taste so many different things to fill my soul. I need to keep up my workouts and know that each day, each rep is leading me to a stronger body. I need to find a new job to humor my need for people interaction every day and to earn more money.
It is so easy to isolate yourself when you are feeling depressed. I need conversation and connection or I have little reason to get out of bed, regardless of the consequences.
It is so easy to get buried by the weight of this question. Daily, I wonder if anything I am doing matters, really matters.
I love the question of do I want to take the small changes that keeps me from reliving this year, over and over again. Until my next depression cycle, I am choosing to take the baby steps towards change. How about you? What do you need to do to alter your current path?
My body image is totally shot right now. Up until two weeks ago, I felt I looked 80 years old with zero muscle tone.
My muscles atrophied while I was laying in bed depressed. My muscles actually turned to jello while they were unused for well over nine months. The tone I used to have from my old job of hauling heavy furniture too and fro for events disappeared as I sat here physically doing nothing. I chose not to do any workout at all once I left that job.
I woke up one day and looked in the mirror and not only have I put on 30 extra pounds, but I have also lost all tone to my body. My arms are loose and flabby and my legs look empty and bad. Forget that all 30 of the pounds I have put on sit in my stomach, this just all feels bad. I don't want to see it. I don't want to touch it when I bathe. And I certainly don't want to bear it in summer clothes. Problem is summer is here and I can't hide in yoga pants and loose sweaters for much longer.
Last month as the clouds lifted in my head, I began going through the motions of squats and lunges. Then I started recreating the postures and steps to do bicep curls with no weight. Then I added triceps with my chair. I love doing shoulders and could use actual weights to do my reps. For my back I have been visualizing the motion to the machine workouts I would do in the gym, such as wide lat pull downs. No weight, just imagination and concentration on form.
No miracles have happened yet, but each day I pick one leg work out and one upper body workout and take my 20 minutes to crank it out. Now, my belly is still here as that is all diet, but I am feeling so much better about my arms and legs. I am also feeling better. Now none of this could be done when I am depressed. I couldn't get out of bed. I feel like I need to put the muscle back on, so I have something to atrophy again next time. Maybe the next depression will be shorter and I won't lose so much. I am always future tripping like I can control tomorrow.
Small steps. Nothing fancy. No gym membership and new leggings. Just going through the motions and taking tiny steps daily to make me feel better.
It is so easy to ask for help and then ignore the signs I don't want to see. I struggle with taking those first steps for fear I will fail. It is very easy to stand at the line and be paralyzed with fear. I am trying to keep moving forward, looking for the guidance from the Universe. Right now my guidance is mostly in the form of meme's on Instagram!
I feel like I have fucked up so much that it is reasonable to assume I will fuck up what is meant to be and all of the good things I should be receiving. I carry a lot of guilt for the good things I have screwed up and lost.
I am so scared of being rejected because I have special needs to work.
I am on year 7 of this need to work around my kids school drop off and pick up schedule, but my last employer hated the schedule I needed. They allowed my to work the part-time schedule, but not without showing irritation that someone else had to take up my slack. Since I am looking for work, I am having weird dream often. Last night I dreamed I was hire back and I was inundated with negative talk that they were having to deal with my hours again. This dream was complete with nasty scowls. I don't know why they hired me back knowing they were going to be disappointed. It seemed no one remembered all of the good work I did or that I did work a great deal of overtime, I just had to pick up my kids at 3 pm when school got out.
Now I am again looking for work and I have a running commentary in my head telling me no one is going to hire me because I am too difficult and don't carry my weight and that it is too hard to remember my stupid scheduling needs. I feel that I don't deserve a good job. I feel like I don't have anything to offer an employer, that because of my schedule I am worthless. I don't feel like I am worth asking them to make this exception of my hours, even though I know I could be the best thing for their business. I forget that in the moment when I have to tell them my hours conflict.
I am trying to shut down the negative bipolar self talk but it is very ingrained and ever present in who I am. What are some ways you shut down the negative talk in your head?