Yet another sign. This time from my Doreen Virtue Angel Cards. 
"Stay on your present path, as it will take you far indeed."

I have been getting so many pointed signs recently that it is time for me to make my next decision, and act upon it.  If I am reading  my life correctly, the area I need to make a change in is my career. I have tried working at home, scheduling and while it is good for my kids, it is not good for me. I need people, not crickets chirping. I know there are things I could be doing, but I can't bring myself to get to them.  

Today's sign was on Instagram by @namibucks. "Just because things could've been different doesn't mean they'd be better."

This is the fear and guilt I carry around with me over the two handfuls of bad decisions I have made in my 47 years. My anxiety plays these movie scenarios over and over and over again to help me really understand how stupid I am for making stupid choices. Especially the ones e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e told me not to make because it would be a stupid decision. 

Don't have the magic wand or spinning necklace to go backward to change a damn things, so my options are to do nothing and stay where I am at. Or, to take some baby steps forward to see what awaits me.  

Who here likes to step forward into the unknown?  Sure as fuck, not me. 

But, I am doing it. One little baby step at a time.  I have found about 3 part-time positions a day for the past couple of days that I have applied for. I have already received my first rejection email. That really sucked. Right out the gate a rejection.  I am trying to trust it was for the best and a better fit is out there waiting for me.  The last time I was looking for work, I had a new job in less than a week. I know that is not normal, but it was the right job opening at the exact moment I was ready. 

I have some specifics time wise due to my children still being school age that narrow down the companies I can work for.  I will keep you posted on how this goes. 

​Mental Melissa

15 Little Habits You Won't Believe Are Signs of Anxiety. Worth a look. I found several that I do, that I didn't know were anxiety.

https://mango.bz/news/bustle-15-little-habits-you-wont-believe-are-signs-of-anxiety-739 

www.bustle.com

"If you're always tired in the morning, despite getting the recommended eight hours of shut eye, it may be a sign of anxiety."

I rarely feel rested throughout the day, especially the afternoon, even after a decent nights sleep. Time to ask my doctor about the level my anxiety is reaching.  I know I am filled with anxiety when I think of driving, being in the grocery store, having to see my ex husband, driving at night, money, my car, my tires, my children's future, rent, ticks (New one as I plan on camping this summer.), avalanches, rock slides, mud slides, driving around blind curves, driving when it rains, snows, or there is fog, looking over the edge of anything, drones going over the edge of a canyon and taking video that I am seeing in real time, someone near me looking over the edge of anything, ladders, strange dogs, spiders, stairs and not having a safety net.

Some of these are logical and some of these are not. My mind can't differentiate between the two. All it knows if I am scared and it amps up my fear.   Some days I feel like I bounce from fear to fear to fear, all day long. 

I lay down to sleep and most of these fears pop onto the screen that is my mind and they play out in the worst case scenario with myself or my loved ones as the main character. I try to shake my head and start four count breathing, but some days nothing works and I feel consumed by the fear. 

Today I made it out of the house and to the grocery store to pick up two things I forgot to get earlier this week while shopping with my boyfriend.  Today, so far, I did not get held down by my anxiety. 

Sometimes I forget to be grateful for all I have in my life. I saw this image today and it was a sweet reminder to see the world around me with more gratitude. I am very blessed. I have healthy children, a roof over my head, clean water and food in my belly.

Even with bipolar, I still have miraculous beauty in each day when I can access it. Some days when I can't get out of bed or can't breathe due to the anxiety, it is hard to remember or find a ray of light.When I am depressed I often feel like a huge burden to my family. Much of the bad that happens to us is because of the choices I make. That is difficult to swallow. The "if only's" weigh you down. 

Can't go backwards, so you have to try to move forward.

Where do you want to be this time next year?  I want to be comfortable and stable again. Less worries, more peace. I want my meds to be working and for my head to be in a space where I can see more wonderful in the world.

​Mental Melissa

I saw this and it spoke to my biggest hurts that I carry with me.  I feel that I have made so many bad choices that have brought me to this place where I am.  I feel like I have made so many bad choices that I shouldn't be allowed to make any big future decisions.  I kick myself with the knowledge that if I had only stayed in my marriage I wouldn't have a torn apart my family and wouldn't have kids who are lost and struggling. I know that if I hadn't quit my job, that I wouldn't be struggling financially like I am. I know that if I hadn't gone 6 years without going to the dentist (I haven't had insurance since 2010) that I wouldn't have two cracked teeth and need two fucking crowns. I know that my kids suffer from having to live in two different households. I know I wouldn't worry about my future if I had just stayed married.

Having said all of that the rational side of me which is very teeny tiny knows my marriage was doomed for a long time. My ex was employed some years and unemployed many others. Staying with him brought no financial security, in fact it brought a great deal of anxiety worrying alone as he hated to discuss what plan b was. My kids are okay, but divorcing has given them a great deal of baggage and scars. Splitting up has changed them dramatically. They were mostly sheltered from our money problems but they now take the brunt of it, every fucking day. When he is unemployed I am a bitch for requiring child support.  When he is employed I am a bitch for requiring child support. I can't win in that area. As for my teeth I have no cavities after many, many years of no dentist visits. These two cracked teeth are very worrisome and expensive. Did you know that Lithium drying out your mouth also dries out your teeth, causing broken teeth? I didn't either. It causes me such extreme anxiety that I could end up cavity free, yet with a mouthful of broken, crowned teeth. 

I do wish I hadn't quit my job. That was pretty stupid of me, but I did it and that is that. Got to dust my ass off and find a new job. 

I don't know how to do my life different. I don't think I have a choice in doing it differently. Now to figure out how to lay this shit down and stop beating myself up for the illusion that I could have done it all any other way. 

I am not good at letting anything go. I worry something will replace it if I don't continue to carry it. 

The Quetiapine has been giving me or allowing me to have some very vivid dreams.  Several a night in some instances. Last night was my first nightmare. My boyfriend was at the end of the hall to the right getting ready for bed.  I was crawling, trying to get on my feet and away from some monster that was pulling me back into my bedroom.  Along each wall were old metal louvered doors. Those doors were what I was using to try to move forward.  I couldn't speak or scream, just kept digging my fingers into the metal to try to gain some momentum forward. The monster would let go slowly and I would start to get my knees under me and boom I was back on my belly.
This went on for what seemed like forever, I couldn't get down the hall and I knew something horrible would happen if I allowed myself to surrender and be sucked back into the room. 

I woke up in a panic. Then my bladder told me I had to take my nightly trip to the bathroom.  I did  not want to get up in the dark by myself. But my bladder was full and there was not going back to sleep. I got up and moved as far away from my bed as possible and made it to the bathroom unscathed. Upon entering my bedroom to get back in bed, I was terrified like a 3 year old and took a running leap onto my bed, hoping I would not knee my boyfriend in the balls or gut. 

I jumped in and landed on my side of the bed, but this morning my boyfriend asked my WTF with the jumping into bed.  

I hope tonight I don't have any nightmares.  

What is your take on the meaning of this dream? What is it trying to tell me?

 If roles were reversed, would I date someone who had bipolar?  What would that look like?  My answers are mine alone, but I hope you will listen to them and realize like I did that my significant other is really doing a good job putting up with my illness.  Tune into my podcast to hear my thoughts and I welcome your thoughts and comments as to what your answer would be.  

​Itunes or Spotify have this episode ready to listen to!   

https://open.spotify.com/show/3sBd5xdjz0UHf5fwIFslpG

I can't believe I made it to Friday. I didn't think it would ever arrive.  This is my second day in a row that I won't get a nap and will have to pull an all dayer. My energy is very low today. The Quetiapine I have been taking at bedtime is giving me such vivid dreams and I am not sure if that is good or bad.  I am glad I am sleeping in a way that allows me to dream, but I feel like I am watching movies all night and not sleeping as soundly as I should be.  

Mental note, mention that to my doctor. 

I knew I would be at the end of  my rope by the end of the week, so I planned grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner tonight.  This will not go over too well, but I don't give a shit.  I can make those easily and be done with my  job as super mom!

I also feel fat today.  It is just that kinda moody, shitty attitude day.  I really needed that damn nap.

More of my podcast topics! Mental Melissa 
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#manicmonday #mentalhealth #mentalillness#mentalillnessawareness #healing #thejourney#mentalmelissa #bipolar #depression#mentalillnesscaregiver #bipolarmom #bipolarparenting #mania #maniac #igotthis #tired#tiredmama #podcast #anchorpodcast #psychology#storytelling #nami #dbsa #liveyourtruth#speakyourtruth #youarenotalone #thereishelp#thereishope #mentalhealthpodcast

image by @thelatestkate

Web MD:

"Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time.
However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-blown mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania.
A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in his or her life. Most people with bipolar II disorder suffer more often from episodes of depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from.
In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder typically live normal lives."

Typically lead normal lives, ha ha hahahaha!
​

Anchor is who I use to create my podcast:   https://anchor.fm/mentalmelissa

Itunes:   https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/mental-melissa/id1355439973

​Spotify:   https://open.spotify.com/show/3sBd5xdjz0UHf5fwIFslpG

Do you ever feel like you aren't sick enough to warrant the handful of pills you take or that since you haven't been to a treatment facility that you aren't sick enough?  I do. I am a high functioning bipolar 2. I take pills in the morning and I take pills in the evening and those normally allow me to pass as moody but normal. Except for those times when I am swinging too high or too low. Even then they aren't high or low enough for hospitalization. 

It makes me feel like a bipolar failure. Most people would never guess my diagnosis. Only recently did my family believe I am bipolar since I seem so normal.  And that was after trying to bring them up to speed on the definition of bipolar. 

Am I hiding it too well? It seems like a lot of effort to take the time to express the awful feeling that drown me when I am down and I feel like they will lock me up. Don't want that due to my control issues. I don't like to hear their breath or see their face as I tell them how I feel or what is going on in my head. It is too private.

​Even when I was sleeping my life away and not eating or bathing I didn't think I needed help. I was almost 5 months into a major depression episode before I called my doctor. The first thing she said is "you shouldn't have waited this long."  "You know better."  Obviously I don't.

How long do you wait to call your doctor? Can you even get in quick enough? What do you say to your doctor? I feel like a fake when I say I am fine. I am glad she knows better. Plus my river of tears always give me away. What is the longest you have gone in a high or low without reaching out for help? Message me in the comments!