No sooner did my Geodon get back into my system than I ran out of it. I am not certain what my doctor wrote, but I have two weeks left to go and no pills. And my insurance won't let me get any more as I am still in the same 30 day window. I want to admit defeat. I need to call my doctor, but I don't want to. I want to just wait until my next appointment and deal with it then. I feel like why even take this pill. I still don't feel any better. I am endlessly tired, my stomach hurts and I just feel bad. I don't want to be awake. And it is cold.
I haven't been able to nap as my neighbor started construction between our houses. She is digging a basement room that she will turn into an apartment. Our houses are not terribly far apart and there is this massive bobcat thing that barely fits in between our two houses and it is digging out a basement. The noises coming from the construction sound as if my house is being hit and dug out too. Tons of startling booms and scrapes means no sleep for me. We have 6 months of this shit so I am hoping to figure out lunch time to run in, curl up and fall asleep. Like that's going to happen, right? Two days of no naps and I feel even more weary than normal.
My house is also stressing me out. I am in cardboard box hell. These are still left over from Christmas. All of them, just sitting in my living room. I shuffle past them several times a day. I decided to cut down two of them. Just two but it is a start. I will take these two out to the trash can when I head out to go pick up my daughter from school. Maybe I will do two more tomorrow. It's just that my house is in a cluttered mess. I can't keep it picked up. Every flat surface has stuff. Stuff that I really just want to sweep into a garbage bag without looking at what I am throwing away.
In the two months since I started feeling like hell again, everything has fallen apart in my house.
I feel like my depression is contagious to my daughter and my boyfriend. They both seem in a funk as well. I can't blame them. If all I ever heard from me was how tired I am, I would start to feel tired too. How awful is to live with someone who is depressed? How awful is it to be with someone who can't muster the energy to laugh or get in the shower?
It is so quiet in my house during the day. (other the new construction). All I can do is listen to my thoughts and the ringing in my ears. I don't like being home alone all day. It is driving me batshit.
I still can't shake these sad feelings.
My meds have been in my system for a full week. I know this is too soon, but one can hope. I am so aware of my mental state right now. It is like I am standing outside myself looking in. I can see how spent I feel after waking up and getting my daughter to school. I walk into the house and crash back into my bed. An hour or so later, I wake up and if I slept, I feel so much better. I have been jumping in the tub quickly, before my mind comes up with reasons not to get clean.
On a good day, I have a burst of energy after getting clean. I have two running list. The first is for work. My boyfriend adds to it and helps me not forget tasks that have to happen. The second list is my personal to-do list. I have been trying to pick one thing off each list to accomplish.
Yesterday I had a good day and got four things off my work list. Then I got majorly distracted and planned a vacation to Rome, Italy. It has been a trip I have wanted to take for two decades and yesterday it seemed like a high priority action item. There was no coming back from this mental train wreck. I thought about the trip and talked about the trip for the rest of the evening. I went to bed imagining how wonderful it would be.
Way too much stimulation of the brain meant I had a hard time shutting down my brain.
My boyfriend is taking his son to a big car show this coming weekend. Oddly enough I saw on social media that my former neighbor took his son to the same show earlier this week. I reached out to see if there were any "don't miss" items at the show. Just that little conversation was enough to set my mind mentally looking at housing options for when we are ready to buy a house. We specifically need a five bedroom/3 bath home with a garage for storage. The first house that came to mind was my first house with my ex-husband. The neighbor I had messaged earlier still lives across the street from my old house. My mind was pinging back and forth. But this house would be perfect. The bed/bath count is perfect and it is such a great layout. When I say I mentally looked at the houses, I mean I laid out the existing furniture in each room. I needed to see where to assign which child. The next house that I mentally shopped was one my boyfriends company did work in. I love the neighborhood. This house has four beds and one room without a window, so it can't be used as a bedroom as there would be no second option escape if there was a fire.
Can you hear the high pitch squeal of my brain. I once again laid out everyone's stuff into their rooms and it was so damn close. Finally my mind eased into the thought that another house in the area might be an exact fit, I just need to do some detective work.
Now we are no where near ready to buy a house. In fact, we are probable a couple years away from even looking at houses.
The third house I mentally looked at was another house we did work at. All it lacks is a fifth bedroom, but it has space to build out the final bedroom and it has a window available. We would also have to build a bathroom, but that is totally doable. I was very pleased with myself.
I am not sure when I fell asleep, but it was late. Waking up is always hard to do when I lose hours to racing thoughts.
I had a really good nap this morning and woke up feeling really good. I got up, got clean and formulated my plan for the day. I had to go get a check to mail off. I addressed the envelope, located the damn stamps and headed to the bank. Before going in I decided to verify I had my drivers license to gain access to the account. Turns out I did not. I had given it to my boyfriend to hold onto at some point this weekend. Damn, I was totally deflated as I wouldn't be able to get the check. My plan had been, get check, get haircut and then drive to post office to mail off check. I had planned to be super productive. When that didn't work out, I wanted to just call it a day, but I pushed through and went and got my hair cut.
Turns out I hadn't been in to get my hair (or bangs) cut in six months. No wonder my hair looked so ragged. My bangs were down to my cheeks. I am glad I went in and got seen. After that, I head home with the knowledge that I will have to find the gumption to get up and go to the bank tomorrow. That kinda freaks me out as I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow.
I remembered to eat, but in the end that did not keep the fog from rolling in. I could feel it settling in on me and zapping my attention. Again, outside looking in, I knew it was happening and I know it will last the rest of the damn evening. I don't bounce back from the lows very quick. So here I sit trying to find some energy and interest. Sometimes writing is just enough mental stimulation to jump start my mind.
My fingers are crossed that I can recover from this sad afternoon.
Once I saw a meme on Instagram that said something about Depression that said, I am not tired, I just don't want to be awake.
That is how I feel.
Here the fucking new year has rolled around and I am once again in a depressed funk. I am truly so damn tired and could stay cocooned in my nice warm bed all day watching my thoughts and dreams and fears floating in and out of my thoughts. When I can't sleep, all I do is watch. It isn't so bad to lay there. It doesn't seem real, any of it. If a really horrible, scary thought drifts by, I just squinch my eyes super tight, tense up my body and will the images to disappear. Wrapped up in my bed I have a tiny bit of control.
If a really good thought drifts by, I can grab it and watch it over and over again. I can see that I might just be okay in the end. Then another awful thought floats in and settles down letting me watch my failure over and over and over.
There are days I cannot sleep and desperately need to. I can hear the tick tock of an imaginary clock counting off the seconds that I am laying in bed unable to find sleep.
These are difficult days when I can't sleep and have lain in bed watching my thoughts. It is overwhelming to have so many thoughts and worries. Thoughts that plague me are will I ever find my calling? It can't be as a writer as I have nothing new to offer. It can't be as a podcaster as my thought well has run dry. I am the voice of nothing. All I have it this blog/diary that I tend to neglect when I am curled up in bed.
Should I start taking classes at the community college towards getting a degree in general studies? Will I decide then to keep going to get a four year degree? Will I use this degree to do anything other than hold down a basic office job?
Will I be brilliant at anything or just keep paddling along trying to make ends meet?
Should I find a place to volunteer where I will feel wanted and needed? Would that fill this void and stop the desire to just not want to be awake?
A decade ago I was teetering on divorce. My life was filled with so much uncertainty and fear. My husband at the time was unemployed and I was trying to find a job in a small mountain town to help us out. I knew he would find work again and I just wanted to get us through. Another year later I was ending our marriage. I was so excited with all of the opportunity laid out ahead of me. I could do anything and anything seemed possible. The career option that excited me was becoming a yoga instructor. I had no idea that most instructors can't support themselves teaching yoga. I had no idea that I would end up getting heart burn while doing any inverted pose. Basically I just had no idea. But that was the last time I was certain on a path to jump on. Why didn't I jump on it? Time and commitment were required.
Is this why I am not jumping back into going to community college? Is the time it will take me to complete a degree looming too greatly ahead of me? I am afraid of committing to general studies versus getting a geology or history degree? Or am I just standing at the starting line afraid to take that first step?
Now a decade later I am not closer to finding my path to jump on. It all just feels so jumbled and pointless. I don't have a lot of time left to learn a new job. I don't feel like I have a lot of time left period.
We had dinner with some friends who are newly retired. They have the time and means to start a new life. They are going to create a traveling You-tube channel of their journeys. As I sat and listened to them my brain was finally firing on most cylinders. It was the first time in so long I felt alive. I was so excited for them and had several ideas to throw out to them. It felt good to be productive. Of course I was terribly jealous of their joy and excitement for their future.
The next day the sorrow seeped in for my loss.