A Darkness Always Exist

So feeling this quote today. "Even when I'ms in a really great steady and stable place...I'm clinically bipolar, so that always exist - a darkness always exist." Mary Lambert

I am okay. I feel okay. I got out of bed. I got showered. I ate breakfast. I have been productive at work this morning. Yet I feel it. The anxiety feels like a warning that my "normal" will be short lived. I don't know if the whirling or the bleak will come knocking. When I am normalish my anxiety tends to take the reigns and work me up with overwhelm and doom and gloom.

Here I am sitting here being all normal and yet I know it will be short lived. I don't know how to describe what I am feeling, but I can feel something. These feelings come and go, come and go. 

While I can pass for normal today, I wonder if anyone around me can feel it? I am med compliant willingly because I know this provides me the greatest chance of staying stable, and my family and myself deserve stable Melissa. 

Of the two, I really don't think I can handle another depression right now. It is too soon. I just came out of six months of hell. I don't want to stink and lay in bed.

Maybe I have forgotten what normal feels like and this really is it.

I wish there were tale tell signs like excessive drooling for depression and frothing at the mouth for mania. It would be so much easier. 

I will give this a week or so to see how this plays out and then work my program. Step one tell my boyfriend I am off my rocker again. Step two call my psych nurse for a med check and reality check. I don't want to call too early as I hate the process and feelings of changing or adjusting meds. It is horrible.

Every day I wake up with bipolar. Every day I monitor my body and my mind. I am always looking for this disease to rear it's ugly head.