To listen to my Podcast, Mental Melissa head on over to where you listen to podcast. I can be found on Itunes and Spotify! Or the company I create my podcast on, Anchor.
Anchor: https://anchor.fm/mentalmelissa
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3sBd5xdjz0UHf5fwIFslpG
Itunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/mental-melissa/id1355439973
I am on Instgram as @Mental_Melissa
And on Facebook as Mental Melissa
I would also love to connect in the comments or via email at mentalmelissa@yahoo.com
MY INTRO BLOG POST! click here
About
My name is Melissa, for these purposes, Mental Melissa. I was first diagnosed with manic depression at the age of 21. I was drinking myself to blacking out, snorting cocaine like it was air and having a lot of risky sex. I could sleep an entire weekend away other than partying really hard. The blacking out was what scared my the most. The second thing that scared me was that I found myself leaving clubs in Georgetown and DC and walking alone and trashed back to my car. Yes, I was drinking and driving. I wouldn't remember how I got home, I would just find myself home.
My Psychiatrist diagnosed me and started me on lithium. Within weeks I felt normal again, or as close to what I thought I remembered normal to be.
I met a man, yes that is how most of my stories start, and was married 10 months later. He did not believe I was manic depressive. He had dated a girl who was, and I was noting like her. He believed the lithium made me flat. I remember thinking he had never known me unmedicated so maybe the real me was just flat. I ignored that red flag.
We moved to another state far away from my family (another red flag) to start a new life. Once we were settled, I set out to find a doctor who would prescribe me my lithium. In an urgent care in b.f.e. the doctor decided I was not manic depressive. He came to my apartment to tell my husband that he was right and that I had just been a party girl, not someone with mental illness. So, no prescription for me. It would be 22 years before I would be formally re-diagnosed with the updated fancy name of bipolar 2.
During those 22 years, I was able for the most part to be normal. I had more lows than highs and would find myself going to the doctor to talk about how overwhelmed I felt and would lose my shit sitting there with the doctor. I would be crying and heaving and shaking and they would decide I was suffering from depression. Over those years I was put on lexapro, wellbutrin, prozac, lexapro, zoloft, and paxil. But because I was told I didn't have a mental illness, I never mentioned my previous diagnosis.
I was sad a lot, but just chalked it up to being a stay at home mom of two children spaced 22 months apart. I had my hands full and Monday through Friday my husband worked out of town, so I was alone with my kids without a break. They were some rough early years.
One and a half years ago my depression changed dramatically. I took naps before and after work and went to bed around 9 but still couldn't get enough sleep to ever feel rested. I finally took myself in to see a Psychiatric Nurse. She sat across from me and asked me if I knew I was bipolar. I didn't really connect it at first with the name change, but once I did, I told her I knew I was and had been waiting for someone to reconfirm it for me.
I went back on lithium and felt pretty good. Since then I have had to add some other meds to my cocktail as I have had a hypomanic episode and am just coming out of the most severe depression I have ever known. I am just recently able to get into the shower daily and not sleep the day away.
I am trying to be normal, or my normal for me this time. Not for anyone else. I am taking my pills without too much question and taking them on time. I officially own two pill cases for morning and evening. I guard my sleep like a hawk and am in bed, meds taken and eye cover pulled on tight and lights out at 8:30 pm. It works for me. It sounds crazy when I say it out loud, but it is what I need to keep my sane and functioning.
My family is still trying to make sense of what my illness is and why I live like I do. We don't discuss it often but I don't hide how I have to live to be productive. I know this is very hard on them and don't know how to make this easy for them. I don't quite understand all of this myself. This last depression caught me completely off guard. I didn't know what to say to explain it. I still don't.
This blog is me getting all of this stuff out of my head so I can stop carrying it around with me. It is also to supplement my podcast Mental Melissa.
I love to write, so here it goes!
Mental Melissa
My Psychiatrist diagnosed me and started me on lithium. Within weeks I felt normal again, or as close to what I thought I remembered normal to be.
I met a man, yes that is how most of my stories start, and was married 10 months later. He did not believe I was manic depressive. He had dated a girl who was, and I was noting like her. He believed the lithium made me flat. I remember thinking he had never known me unmedicated so maybe the real me was just flat. I ignored that red flag.
We moved to another state far away from my family (another red flag) to start a new life. Once we were settled, I set out to find a doctor who would prescribe me my lithium. In an urgent care in b.f.e. the doctor decided I was not manic depressive. He came to my apartment to tell my husband that he was right and that I had just been a party girl, not someone with mental illness. So, no prescription for me. It would be 22 years before I would be formally re-diagnosed with the updated fancy name of bipolar 2.
During those 22 years, I was able for the most part to be normal. I had more lows than highs and would find myself going to the doctor to talk about how overwhelmed I felt and would lose my shit sitting there with the doctor. I would be crying and heaving and shaking and they would decide I was suffering from depression. Over those years I was put on lexapro, wellbutrin, prozac, lexapro, zoloft, and paxil. But because I was told I didn't have a mental illness, I never mentioned my previous diagnosis.
I was sad a lot, but just chalked it up to being a stay at home mom of two children spaced 22 months apart. I had my hands full and Monday through Friday my husband worked out of town, so I was alone with my kids without a break. They were some rough early years.
One and a half years ago my depression changed dramatically. I took naps before and after work and went to bed around 9 but still couldn't get enough sleep to ever feel rested. I finally took myself in to see a Psychiatric Nurse. She sat across from me and asked me if I knew I was bipolar. I didn't really connect it at first with the name change, but once I did, I told her I knew I was and had been waiting for someone to reconfirm it for me.
I went back on lithium and felt pretty good. Since then I have had to add some other meds to my cocktail as I have had a hypomanic episode and am just coming out of the most severe depression I have ever known. I am just recently able to get into the shower daily and not sleep the day away.
I am trying to be normal, or my normal for me this time. Not for anyone else. I am taking my pills without too much question and taking them on time. I officially own two pill cases for morning and evening. I guard my sleep like a hawk and am in bed, meds taken and eye cover pulled on tight and lights out at 8:30 pm. It works for me. It sounds crazy when I say it out loud, but it is what I need to keep my sane and functioning.
My family is still trying to make sense of what my illness is and why I live like I do. We don't discuss it often but I don't hide how I have to live to be productive. I know this is very hard on them and don't know how to make this easy for them. I don't quite understand all of this myself. This last depression caught me completely off guard. I didn't know what to say to explain it. I still don't.
This blog is me getting all of this stuff out of my head so I can stop carrying it around with me. It is also to supplement my podcast Mental Melissa.
I love to write, so here it goes!
Mental Melissa
